"YOU CAN NOT BUILD A HOME, WITHOUT A FOUNDATION"

    ......" BUT NOW IT"S GONE,   IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE,   WHEN YOU BUILD YOUR HOUSE,  CALL ME,  CALL "
 
             Living in a house with no hot water heater,  and without heating oil half of the month.  Living in a house with broken windows and doors that don't lock anymore.  Existing in a house with  alcoholism and  many other issues.  Living in a house that you are ashamed of,  and don't know why it is the way it is.  This is not a home.  There is no "building" foundation.  There is no "foundation" to "build" with.  It took a long time, but I broke this cycle in my life.  This cycle unfortunately continued into Jane's marriage,  which became a disastrous time of choleric physical and verbal abuse directed directly at Jane,  and led to a road of an unsecured and uncertain future.
             I must make it clear,  that there was never any violence or physical abuse in our family,  this is what Jane married into.  Although we lived in very poor conditions, my parents were never physically abusive or violent to each other, or to us, ever.  I will make sure that Jane's abuse and suffering will be told,  and will not be swept under the rug.      Thank you for reading this post today.  Love and Light to you

THE SECRETS THAT WE KEEP, TO PROTECT THE ONES WE LOVE

      Yesterday was one month since our Jane passed away, and of course it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up for work in the morning.. I am still going through boxes of Jane's papers, writings, and personals as I write this entry today.  I also now have confirmed my original belief,  that Jane knew about her cancer diagnosis long before she told us of it.  Now I have the medical papers and doctors notes to prove it.  Jane waited until she could not hide it anymore.  Jane was originally diagnosed with terminal cancer in the autumn of 2008, not spring of 2010, as Jane then told us.  Why?  Because Jane wanted to protect her youngest son, myself and others from worrying and panicking over this horrible news.  Jane could not hide it anymore when she had to go in to the hospital to remove a huge mass of cancerous tumors in early spring of 2010.  We were devastated by this.  Still, Jane put up a brave front, and faced 7 major and unbelievably painful operations in a 4 month period.  I remember one night, waiting 6 hours for Jane eo come out of the recovery room.  I slept on two chairs pushed together, next to her all night,  Im so glad I did it now, and more than several nights. Jane never complained even though I could see the pain on her beautiful face.  I now understand how unselfish Jane was to do this,  she was going to deal with this cancer quietly and on her terms, without worrying others.  I am so humbled by her bravery, and ability to still be warm and affectionate, even after having to face this terrible disease.    Jane , I love you,  and I am so sorry that these other individuals, abandoned you in your time of need,  it was inhumane and cruel.  I know now that I did all that I could,  but one person can only do so much,  and  one person can not possibly make up for the place that others were suppossed to take.
     Above you will see some of the dozens and dozens of Jane's cherished religious medallions and papers.  Jane was always spiritual, but reconnected with the Catholic Church (and other religions), through her involvement in A.A. and  upon moving to Bayonne, and befriending many of the clergy there and in Jersey City.  Jane had been involved with the Church there since 2002,  she did not "find" religion after she became ill,  I want to clarify that.  One of the largest crosses here, was made by a priest,  Father Tom, and they were specifically made for cancer patients, sadly he passed away from cancer himself several years ago.  Jane had amassed a huge collection of crosses, medals and other religious pieces.  I have kept all of them for Jane

                                   Thank you for reading my words today.  Light and Love to you.

JANE......CORRECTIONS NEED TO BE MADE......

  I was surprised when I read Jane's obituary in the local paper where she had not lived or visited in over 20 years.  As her brother,  I found many mistakes in her obituary.  Jane was not born in Hasbrouck Heights.  Jane's age was also one year off, she had only just turned 47.  Our mother's maiden name was also incorrect.  Jane lived in Bayonne for over 10 years, not "several years" as the obituary stated (several years is two or three years not 10 years). 
  Jane's only final wish and request was to have a small service and sprinkling of her ashes on the lake in the Adirondacks where our family has been for over 280 years.  Jane never told her youngest son or I that she wanted any other service, under any other circumstance... period.    Jane was dishonored in death too.  That "dis-service" that was held,  was a selfish and fraudulent "show" for those who held it,  by those who abandoned her. It was not my sister Jane's wish, want, dream or request.  No one on this Earth knows my sisters final months and days, except the Good Lord and myself,  her brother Michael.    Love and Light to you

WAITING FOR SPRING......AND SECOND CHANCES......

    Today is a beautiful day for this time of the year, but it's a very melancholy day for me.  I found these seed packets among Jane's personal writings and mail, in a box that I had put them all in, as I was rushed to clean up Jane's apartment.  I find these today, as I am sifting through all the papers now.  Violas and Pansies were always one of Jane's favorite kinds of flowers, and no matter where Jane lived, she planted them every spring.  It didn't matter if it was a lake side garden, a window sill or a wooden staircase like Jane had in the back of her home in Bayonne.  These seed packets are dated "packed for spring 2011",  and it makes me so incredibly sad, because it shows that Jane had every intention of being here in the spring to plant them.  My friend Alice was with me,  helping me, and she cried over the poignancy of this find and moment.  I will plant them on my back deck for Jane when spring arrives.  Spring has always been a time for rebirth, and second chances.  Everyone deserves  forgiveness and a second chance in life, but unfortunately not my dear sister Jane.  She was denied those second chances, even in her final days of pain and struggle, by those that she gave life to, loved and trusted.  We (my close friends),  are all so incredibly saddened over this, but I don't want to dwell on this, it will pass with time and love.
      Jane became a great gardener, in the tradition of my Mom-mom's family,  who were all farmers  way up in the boondocks of St Lawrence county.  Jane loved evening primrose, lilacs, impatiens, old fashioned roses, lemon lilies ( like the patch that grew outside of our cottage door on the lake in the Adirondacks), and wild flowers,  like black-eyed-Susan's, Queen-Anne's-lace, violets and daises.  Jane loved to grow many kinds of culinary herbs like thyme ( thyme was our grandmother from Denmark's favorite cooking herb), rosemary, many kinds of mint, sage and so on.  Jane was also a great cook as I have stated before.  I loved her seafood lasagna and "frikadelles".
        I really miss my sister Jane today.  No matter what happened over the years, we were always back together again, and reunited.  We often talked on the phone every day, even if just a quick hello, or a message, no matter where I lived, Germany, Toronto or Boston.  I miss those calls, and I miss her beautiful and warm smile.  I have joined a small grievance group, connected to the Church I attend, and it helps immensely.  I urge any one out there in my position to do the same, you deserve it, You can only heal, learn and grow as a human being, and helping others helps yourself.  I am just really in a deep sadness over Jane's death,  and the tragic last 8 months of her life, and so disappointed in those who abandoned her.  It hurts so bad to recall Jane's crying over these issues (especially when she was so ill in her hospital bed).  We all deserve another chance in life,  I am devastated that my sister Jane did not get those second chances.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you

JANE'S SUMMERS IN THE ADIRONDACKS AND CHILDHOOD DREAMS

  It was the first place that we heard a whip-poor-will.  It was the first place that we caught a fish.  It was where we learned how to swim, canoe, build a pot belly stove fire and hike in the forest.  It was the summer cottage of our Mom-Mom's family in the Adirondack mountains.  Jane loved to go "up the lake", as we all did.  Everyday was an adventure, from the scented giant waterlily's in Huckelberry Cove,  to the picnics on the Gemini Islands past Spruce point.  There was always magic in the air.  Jane was a "girly-girl, she loved the color pink,   and she loved to polish her nails a dozen different colors, as she sat on a lounge chair reading magazines on our little white beach.  Jane also loved to cook home made (hand picked) berry pies, waffles and pancakes, but......Jane could and would bait a hook and take the fish off of it, climb trees, and explore the caves nearby for quartz's (some of which I still have).  The old cottage had been in  our family for over 90 years, and was beautiful and quaint.  We had a wood burning stove in the kitchen,  and a pot belly stove in the main room.  We also had to "rough it" when we were there, as we had to use an out-house and a water pump, that was way down the path by our cousin Merle's cottage.  The cabin was filled with memento's of our family, books, records, antiques and many hand made goods, as our family were true Adirondackers and crafters.  We were all very proud of this, and I still have many of my great grandparents (and their ancestors) personal things.  We all had huge collections of comic books,  which grew over the many summers spent on the lake, my favorites were "Hot Stuff" the little Devil and "Casper", Jane's favorites were "Archie" and "Betty and Veronica". The Adirondack cottage had white pine paneled walls, huge goose down filled comforters (home-made),  and the cabin smelled of moth balls and cedar wood which we loved.  There was a Yellow shafted Flicker (woodpecker), that would hammer every day on the metal covering of a pole by the cottage, as well as tree swallows and purple martins that nested in all the many bird houses that I built.  Jane loved to look at the evening primrose and hollyhocks that our Uncle Hank and Aunt Minnie, grew along the path of their cottage next door.  Jane would often help Aunt Minnie take care of her many gardens too.  Years later, Jane would paint her kitchen in Bayonne the same color scheme as The Grime's cottage on the lake, yellow with red trim.
   It was only because of our Mother's sister, our Aunt B, that we could spend so many summers on the lake, as both of my parents were working, and could not stay with us there.  I spent many summers with my cousins on the lake, and we got along very well.  I don't think that I ever had one argument with them, they were all very intellectual and open-minded young kids.  They we very mellow and kind, and never put me down for my "off-beat" interests, like bird-watching, botany, rock-collecting and deep love of nature.   The forest surrounding the lake was gorgeous,  mostly made up of white pine, birch, hemlock,spruce, oak and maple.  We hand fed chipmunks and red squirrels, and our attic was often invaded by nocturnal flying squirrels and bats.  It was a real wilderness area, as we were surrounded by the Adirondack state park.  We heard and saw rose breasted grosbeaks, cedar waxwings, scarlet tanagers and colorful warblers all day .  Barn swallows built mud nests on the boat house ledges and eaves,  and  winter wrens nested in the old wood pile under the cottage.  We would catch northern pike, pickerel, several kinds of bass, bullheads and perch for dinner.  We picked blueberries, raspberries, blackcaps and chokecherries for pies and snacks.  The lake was clean enough to drink out of, natural, spring fed, and over 500 feet deep in some areas.  We were very lucky to have this time in our lives.   I will always remember that cottage with love, and I will always remember my beautiful sister Jane when I look at these pictures and reminisce about our childhood there.  Thank you for reading my post today.  Light and Love to you.

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS BUT......

    Jane was in my thoughts again today as usual.  I am very grateful to the response I received from all of my friends and co-workers over my sister's passing.  A close friend of many years , was here last night.  It was a real connection for me, as he  had met Jane many times over the last 20 years.  He had been to her house in New Jersey for dinner and even for Thanksgiving one year.  He was not only impressed with her youthful beauty and warmth, but her great ability as a cook.  Jane learned alot from our fathers mother in preparing danish food.  "Farmor" was from Denmark, one of 18 children, the first 10 born in Copenhagen, and the last 8 born in the NYC area.  It contrasts with our Mom-Mom's family who came to America over 280 years ago, and settled in the Pitcairn, Star Lake area of the Adirondacks.  Jane could make great "Frikadellers",  and other famous danish food too. 
    It was great to have the comfort of friends who had met my sister.  My friends made daily visits to me with compassion and care.  I received many cards and calls from other loved friends,not to forget my much loved "family" in Connecticut the wonderful L and S, who have all the kindness and unconditional love,  that Jane's "real" family had none of.    It has been very helpful in my deep grief over the loss of Jane, and especially the tragic circumstances of the last years.  I've also been in contact with some of Jane's dearest friends like Ginny.   I have to say it again...... it's all about the love.  It's all about forgiveness and human compassion, we have all made mistakes we need to be forgiven for.
     I want to make an important point about living in the moment.  All the flowers and sympathy cards in the world don't mean anything at all,  if you were not there for the dying person, while they were still alive and needed you in the first place.  They really needed those cards to be get well cards and flowers while they were still among the living.  A "service" is really for the living, not for the departed.  I want to live in the present,  and take care of those that need that love so desperately now.  It does not mean a thing after they are gone.  Remember,  it is all about the dying person,  it is not about you,  except the love and compassion that you can give to them while they are still on this earth,  when they really need it.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.   I love you.

ALL THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID....ALL THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE....

     I have decided as of late last night, that this will hopefully be the one of the last entries, in which I will ever mention Jane's other two children, or other family members, that all made a solid and now permanent decision not only not to help Jane, but to abandon her, and be "spiritual cowards",  ever again in this tribute.  I do not want this memory of Jane to be bitter, so from this day on it will only be about Jane and those who loved her until the end.  If anyone can learn something from this tribute to my sister, it will be that when someone is terminally ill and dying, you need to band together, forget about yourself , and offer the person forgiveness, ask for forgiveness, offer them some type of reconciliation and send them off with love. It is all about humanity and love.  It is all about the dying person,  it is not about you. 
    Nothing that Jane ever did in her life, could be deserving of the  narcissistic, self-entitled and hypocritical arrogance "displayed"  by these "relatives', while her youngest son and I were caring for Jane,  it was shocking and inhumane. Jane never received one letter or card or  phone call from her two other children, the last seven and four months respectively.  Jane's other "children", and our other "family", all chose to do nothing for Jane , even in her final dying days.
    What is done can not be undone.  I truly believe, with all of my heart,  that no matter what these individuals may accomplish or acquire in their lives,  they can never erase or undo the unfathomable cruel and inhumane wrong that they did to Jane.  They only offered disgraceful and selfish behavior. They are all just cheap,  very cheap individuals in every possible sense of the word.  I don't know how they sleep at night, or look at themselves in the mirror.   But now, I am  truly done with them, I have already moved on, and will try to never mention them again after this moment, because they do not deserve it.  My pastor has told me that I must pity and prayer for these individuals, but this is not about them now,  nor will it ever be.

    THROWING AWAY THE PAST......  AND FREEDOM......

      I sit here tonight, the day after the last time that I could enter Jane's home to clean and close it up.  I recall the night that I slept in that apartment alone, I was tired and only had 3 days off from work to finish everything before the apartment was taken back by the owner.  It was snowing and getting late, and as I was getting ready to leave I found something that made me feel sick to my stomach.  It was a huge hat box filled with pictures of Jane's other "children" and her life during her abusive and disastrous marriage.  I sat looking at those faces, and thought, how could Jane keep these after the inhumane treatment she received from these individuals?  I felt nauseous, but also very liberated.  I started to throw them all away, into the garbage, where they belonged.  They were nothing to me anymore,  just wreckage of the past,  to be tossed away.  It was a defining moment for me,  all of my obligations to my sister were now over,  and I was free.( not free from my sister or her memory....Never...I mean free from her "family" who abandoned her)  It was very symbolic for me to do this.  I didn't wait until the morning,  I threw all of these pictures and letters into a trash bag and took it immediately  down to the street, and dumped them all into a garbage bin.  It was unbelievably "freeing" for me.  I slept peacefully that night, although I was still so sad over losing Jane. I knew then, that I had to be strong and be tough, and walk away from everything. I woke up the next day,  still crushed by my sister Jane's death, but determined  to start my new life,  taking my good memories of my sister Jane and our love for each other with me,  and nothing else.  I am leaving everything and everyone else behind me for good.
                             I want to thank you for reading my words today. Love and Light to you.

TWO WEEKS AFTER JANE'S PASSING......

     It has been two weeks since my lovely sister Jane passed on. I haven't posted an entry, as I have been inconsolable over the circumstances of the last tragic year, and since I am now in the painful process of cleaning out Jane's home and personals. Not only haven't I forgotten my sister, but I think about and love her more each day that passes.  I discovered that Jane had kept every post card, holiday card and get-well card that I had ever sent her, and I am keeping them in a box, with all the letters and cards that Jane had sent to me, as I have always kept them too.   I think Jane would love my memory of her, and would be very happy, that the first comment made,  is from her dear soul-sister and childhood friend Virginia . Thank you Ginny.  I know that Jane would also be happy that I sent her story to some of the ladies from her old neighborhood, who Jane remained very fond of.  Jane's faithful dog Lilly was also there for Jane in all of her pain and struggle, and now Lilly is living with me.  She is gentle, kind and sweet just like the woman who raised her, my sister Jane. Thank you for reading my post today.   Love and Light to you.   Please remember Jane.

JANE-ELLEN FALLON "THE BLUEBIRD"

MY SISTER JANE'S STORY

Jane Ellen Fallon

A loving tribute

“Who will cry for the little Bluebird……?”

This was a short poem written by my beautiful and gentle spirited sister, who sadly lost her valiant battle with cancer on the morning of January 25, 2011.  It was written several months after Jane’s initial diagnosis in the late winter of 2010, and was sadly unfinished. (I will include the poem later, as I am rushing to post this dedication now.)  But, in her short life, my sister Jane accomplished many things, including being a mother to three children, taking care of our then terminally ill Mother with the patience of a saint, and overcoming the disease of alcoholism. No one rallied to my mother’s side like Jane after our mother’s diagnosis with cancer. Jane took care of everything, despite the fact that my Mother was often indifferent and detached. We both fed and changed and cared for our mother until the end.  The new bond that we developed, was welded forever, after this experience with our departed Mother.    Jane had a brilliant eye for interior design, antiques, decorative painting and crafting, and was a well read, self educated and beautiful young woman.  Jane also had an eye for turning anything old into something new, magical, and as lovely as Jane was herself.   Jane could take a rusted old hutch and turn it into a seemingly brand new center piece.  My sister Jane loved painting, gardening, crafting, reading, collecting bird houses and books and all around country cottage “styling”.  Jane also became a knowledgeable birder like myself, and could identify an indigo bunting or a veery at the drop of a hat. 
 Jane did overcome her issues with the Church, and alot of courage.. Jane spent many years working, caring for her children alone,  and just living her life. Unfortunately, Jane had an accident that left her with permanent chronic physical pain, and so she needed pain killers on and off after this. They then became an ironic necessity again, with Jane's terminal cancer, and the unfathomable emotional and physical pain that it brings.  Jane tried valiantly to control this, through counseling and her friends in the church, but the pain of a tragic past of verbal and physical abuse and abandonment only helped to hinder her full recovery.
      Especially so,  the constant verbal and physical abuse Jane endured during her violent and disastrous marriage, that was even witnessed by her shocked and horrified neighbors on her street, who often had to come to her aid.   Addiction is an illness and a disease, it is not a choice or a punishment as some might try to believe. We all have our addictions, some are just "acceptable" or easily hidden. I saw Jane confront this head on with honesty, and she had many happy and long times of sobriety. No matter what happened, Jane always remained warm, loving and affectionate.  I became a member of alanon in 2003, to help understand my family and Jane better, and we rebonded and reconnected immediately, no questions asked, that’s how my beautiful sister was.  In all fairness to the brutal honesty of this tribute, I myself was missing from Jane’s life for several years in the late 80’s, and I am guilty and very ashamed of this.  But, that was all in the past now, and it was a time of love, understanding and acceptance, that unfortunately, the rest of Jane’s “family” did not want any part of.  This includes both sides of our families.  Jane’s one "child” ( albeit, over 30 is not a child anymore), in particular was willful in her abandonment and mental cruelty to her Mother.  Jane was not allowed to call, write or e-mail her , and was not allowed to meet her own grandchildren. (Of whom which without Jane, would not exist).  This memory is not meant to condemn anyone,  it is simply to tell the truth, and it must be told in Jane's defense and honour.
  I am disgusted and ashamed to have to print, that the last six months of Jane’s short life, were filled with a time of little money for food, no heat and no telephone.  I had been helping Jane and her youngest , as much as I could, and finally got Jane a cell phone two months before her tragic death.  Everyone knew the horrendous and desperate circumstances of Jane’s predicament, but did absolutely nothing. I am living proof of that. They all sat and waited.  The silence and the apathy were overwhelming to us all.    There is nothing worse in this spiritual world of ours, than someone who would abandon and betray their own Mother, regardless of any circumstances, especially a dying mother suffering excruciating pain and sadness.  Yet there was not one get well card, not one phone call, from this "family" for Jane .  I am so grateful to the Lord, that I had the hindsight, to attend alanon, and treat Jane with only kindness and care (as it should be by any decent human being). I would have done this anyway, because I adored my sister, who was more like a Mother to me. I spent Jane’s last birthday with her on December the10th.  I brought a small cake, and was happy to see that Jane had put up her little Christmas tree, despite her frailty at the time.  I am grateful to the good Lord, that I visited Jane on Christmas Eve, on New Years Eve, (among many other days in between) and brought three bags of food and hope the day after the giant blizzard. I saw Jane in the hospital two days before we lost her.  I had recently relocated to Westchester for work and the commute was difficult and long, but nothing would stop me from helping my sister and her son, or any human in need for that matter.  I talked to Jane from work the night before her passing, we talked for  hours, she was more worried about me and her youngest than herself.  I promised Jane that I would be there with jello and orange juice on Wednesday after work. I said “I love you very much Jane”, she replied, “I know that, I love you very much too, I’ll see you Wednesday and we’ll talk tomorrow, I’m very tired, I have to go to sleep now”. That is the last time that I talked to my sister, and thank God, it was warm and loving. My sister knew that I loved her unconditionally, and that I was always there for her, and she was always there for me.  I have no regrets in my time, love and care of my beautiful and kind sister Jane.  I am inconsolable over her death, and have been lucky to have my many long time friends who have comforted me, including several that had met and loved Jane. Jane had some beacons of light, her friend Paul had given Jane and her youngest  an enormous amount of help, and her self appointed “soul-sister” and loved friend from high school Ginny, gave Jane calls filled with only kind words and love, including a long letter from Ginny’s mother, that Jane kept in a bible by her bed. Jane also had many true friends in Bayonne, besides the many nurses and clergy that grew to love her.
     My sisters other "family” now want to have a service for Jane, and I am completely against it. It is an insult to my sister and her memory, to have the people who abandoned her, (treated her cruelly, discarded her when she was terminally ill and bad mouthed her to everyone that would listen), all sulking there in shrouded falseness and hypocrisy.   I am against this travesty of a service, for many reasons, including the very important reason and fact that Jane’s only final request and wish (as told to her youngest and myself repeatedly by Jane), were to be carried out by myself.  I will respect Jane’s true and only final wish,  and her ashes will be spread over the bay of the lake where we spent our childhood summers in the Adirondacks.     
     No matter what happened, Jane always had me, and I am humble and grateful that I could be a part of her life, and help her through that terrible time of illness and tragedy.  I have grown immensely as a human being through my care and love of my sister, and I will gladly and proudly continue my volunteer work with the elderly and the needy.  I will be including many pictures of Jane over the years, particularly from my many visits to her in Bayonne over the happy and healthy years, and also from the time of her struggle with her fatal illness, later on.                                   

   In the end her youngest and I both understood that Jane’s cancer was terminal, but we also knew the real and sad truth, that our Jane died of a broken heart. 

   Thank you for reading my tribute to my sister Jane.  It is always hard to face the truth, but the truth must be told, and the real truth can only be told by the two people who were the only part of Jane’s final years, months and days, her youngest, and her brother Michael, myself.  Please let Jane finally rest in peace with the same dignity and respect that anyone deserves. Love and Light to you.