"YOU CAN NOT BUILD A HOME, WITHOUT A FOUNDATION"

    ......" BUT NOW IT"S GONE,   IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE,   WHEN YOU BUILD YOUR HOUSE,  CALL ME,  CALL "
 
             Living in a house with no hot water heater,  and without heating oil half of the month.  Living in a house with broken windows and doors that don't lock anymore.  Existing in a house with  alcoholism and  many other issues.  Living in a house that you are ashamed of,  and don't know why it is the way it is.  This is not a home.  There is no "building" foundation.  There is no "foundation" to "build" with.  It took a long time, but I broke this cycle in my life.  This cycle unfortunately continued into Jane's marriage,  which became a disastrous time of choleric physical and verbal abuse directed directly at Jane,  and led to a road of an unsecured and uncertain future.
             I must make it clear,  that there was never any violence or physical abuse in our family,  this is what Jane married into.  Although we lived in very poor conditions, my parents were never physically abusive or violent to each other, or to us, ever.  I will make sure that Jane's abuse and suffering will be told,  and will not be swept under the rug.      Thank you for reading this post today.  Love and Light to you

THE SECRETS THAT WE KEEP, TO PROTECT THE ONES WE LOVE

      Yesterday was one month since our Jane passed away, and of course it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up for work in the morning.. I am still going through boxes of Jane's papers, writings, and personals as I write this entry today.  I also now have confirmed my original belief,  that Jane knew about her cancer diagnosis long before she told us of it.  Now I have the medical papers and doctors notes to prove it.  Jane waited until she could not hide it anymore.  Jane was originally diagnosed with terminal cancer in the autumn of 2008, not spring of 2010, as Jane then told us.  Why?  Because Jane wanted to protect her youngest son, myself and others from worrying and panicking over this horrible news.  Jane could not hide it anymore when she had to go in to the hospital to remove a huge mass of cancerous tumors in early spring of 2010.  We were devastated by this.  Still, Jane put up a brave front, and faced 7 major and unbelievably painful operations in a 4 month period.  I remember one night, waiting 6 hours for Jane eo come out of the recovery room.  I slept on two chairs pushed together, next to her all night,  Im so glad I did it now, and more than several nights. Jane never complained even though I could see the pain on her beautiful face.  I now understand how unselfish Jane was to do this,  she was going to deal with this cancer quietly and on her terms, without worrying others.  I am so humbled by her bravery, and ability to still be warm and affectionate, even after having to face this terrible disease.    Jane , I love you,  and I am so sorry that these other individuals, abandoned you in your time of need,  it was inhumane and cruel.  I know now that I did all that I could,  but one person can only do so much,  and  one person can not possibly make up for the place that others were suppossed to take.
     Above you will see some of the dozens and dozens of Jane's cherished religious medallions and papers.  Jane was always spiritual, but reconnected with the Catholic Church (and other religions), through her involvement in A.A. and  upon moving to Bayonne, and befriending many of the clergy there and in Jersey City.  Jane had been involved with the Church there since 2002,  she did not "find" religion after she became ill,  I want to clarify that.  One of the largest crosses here, was made by a priest,  Father Tom, and they were specifically made for cancer patients, sadly he passed away from cancer himself several years ago.  Jane had amassed a huge collection of crosses, medals and other religious pieces.  I have kept all of them for Jane

                                   Thank you for reading my words today.  Light and Love to you.