WHY I STILL PUT UP A CHRISTMAS TREE THIS YEAR....

My sister Jane's little aluminum Christmas tree with my lights and decoration.  For Jane with love



    
           I was not going to put up a Christmas tree this year, for very obvious reasons to anyone who has been following this tribute-site to my sister Jane-Ellen.  I spent Christmas Eve with my sister last year, not wanting to believe that it would be Jane's and our last Christmas together.  I did several posts about that horrific time in our lives, and I am not going to write about it anymore, it is too painful.  I did not put up Christmas trees for several years after our brother Jimmy and our Mother Lois died respectively.  I found Jane's tree in a plastic bag with other mementos of Jane's that I managed to save in February, while closing up my sister's home.  I then realized why I had to put up this Christmas tree, and why there was no way that I could not put it up.  To understand why, you must read the story below......
          
           December 10th 2010......   It was Jane's birthday, and I knew that I had to visit her.  Jane had just had intense chemo, and was suffering from many other physical and emotional issues due to her cancer. I was at work in the morning, and was anxious to leave, when my boss came to my desk and said...."Michael, go now, your sister needs you".  I am so grateful to her for that, the compassion that only most women have.  I gathered  Jane's present, card and several bags of food, and left quickly.  I had just seen Jane two days before, she had been in alot of pain, so I did not know what to expect.  Of course, we had talked several times on the phone since then, but I was still worried about my sister.  I arrived by noon to find an amazing surprise.  Jane was sitting up in her hospital bed, (which was in her living room), and she was made up and dressed up to see me.  Jane smiled, and said.... "Hi Honey!".... the way that she always did, and I was so taken aback to see that (despite her obvious pain), Jane had cleaned her kitchen and living room immaculately, and that everything was shining like her beautiful smile.  We hugged, and then I saw that Jane had taken out her little artificial Christmas tree (put it together and up), and fully decorated it with ornaments and lights.  I was so in awe of her ability to find the strength to do all of this alone, and in her then fragile condition.  I am so glad that I was there to share that day with my beautiful sister, we had a warm and wonderful time.  I never heard Jane complain about her pain or other issues.  Never once in all of her fight with cancer, did my beautiful sister ever, ever say "Why me?'.......never.
         Despite the unbelievably bad and unfair conditions of that time, my sister still put up her Christmas tree.  She still believed in hope, faith and love, and was never bitter, as so many other individuals in her position would have been.  I will never forget that day as long as I am on this Earth, nor will I ever forget my sister Jane and her bravery in that time.  Jane faced everything with a quiet and dignified reserve that I have rarely seen before in all of my volunteer work, or in my life in general. 
           Now you can understand why, there is no way that I would not put up my sister Jane's Christmas tree this year,  on her birthday, just as my sister did last year.  Thank you for reading our words today. Love and light to you.

THERE IS SOMETHING THAT I MUST EXPLAIN.....

        I have just read my own site dedicated to my beautiful sister Jane, in its entirety for the first time, in book form.  I have now realized after reading this tribute, that I need to explain something very important.
        I am not bring holier than thou (like the hypocrites are), because I myself do not drink alcohol, do not smoke ,,, anything, and have never touched drugs.
        I am in no way ever criticising or condemning anyone who is suffering with addiction issues, or who is struggling in or out of recovery, on any level, absolutely not.  I have the utmost compassion, sympathy and empathy for those individuals, sincerely.  I am however, always criticising those certain hypocrites who condemn and bad-mouth those people for the same addictions, behavior and other issues that these very hypocrites themselves are guilty of.  But, for them, "its different".  Sure it is.  Thank you for reading my words today. Love and Light to you.

THE LAST THREE MONTHS....

           Dear friends of Jane and myself....
                I do not want to dwell on it, but it is the anniversary of the beginning of a very dark and very frightening period of time for my beautiful sister Jane , and for myself concerning her.  I do not want to ruminate over the tragic last three months of Jane's all too short life, but it is that time of the year.... the holidays, Jane's last birthday, and her untimely passing.  The only comforts that I have, are the facts that I was there for my sister 101% in that time,  and the knowledge that we all became ill, suffer and all pass on one day,  no one can escape it.  I also do not want to go into the reasons for these unwanted memories, but it is suffice to say, that three "individuals" are completely responsible for this dark and frightening time for Jane, and one in particular.  I do not know how they look at themselves in the mirror, or how they can sleep at night, knowing what they did and did not do.  Anyway, enough of that, but it needs to be said, and it needs to be written in stone.
                I have been traveling for work and have been very busy.  I have not however, forgotten about this tribute site to my sister, or my sister Jane.  I am trying very hard to only remember the Jane I knew before the horrific and cruel time of cancer.  I will doing many more posts after my traveling is over, and I have settled in to my new life.  Thank you for reading our words today.  Love and Light to you

MY SISTER JANE IS WITH ME NOW

      It was a long time coming, but I finally have my sister Jane's ashes with me in my home.  It is a shadowy and disturbing story that I will not get into,  but all that matters is that Jane is now in a peaceful and loving space with me, until I fulfill her true and only final wish and request.  I will be taking my sister Jane back home to the Adirondack home and lake that we cherished so much.  In the end Jane always had me, her brother Michael, and I find peace and comfort in this fact.  I have nothing more to say to her "family", except that I am so happy that I am freed from them. They have an unimaginable amount of bad karma coming to them.  I do not want to ever see them again, and I do not want to even have to ever  hear anything about them again either, period.  I did all that I could for my dear sister Jane, and I miss her so much, but I know now that I must move on from this very day, with peace, dignity and her love in my heart.   I feel my new life beginning, and it is a miracle.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.

" DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO "

           That was one of our Father's many hypocritical sayings, that infuriated me, and Jane as well.  It also carried on into other areas of my life then too.  This post is not about our Father really, but the hypocrisy of our lives at that time.  I have some of the most loyal and trusted friends in my life right now, but it hasn't always been so.  Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way.  At the time before I left home and went out into the world, I was involved with a motley group of such "friends".  It was an on again off again collection of out-casts and misfits, who were not really connected to, or loyal to each other in any way at all.  It's strange how we sometimes choose the "friends" in our lives, from what we know and experience in our family life (especially when we are still young and naive). They all had many dark habits and secrets that they kept hidden from me.  It was "M" and "L" and "M" and "S" and me. We all had nothing in common, and it was more or less, out of  directionless loneliness, until something better came along.  I never "did" drugs, and rarely drank alcohol.  I was truly "square", and  I am very happy about that now. Several of these "friends", had spread some rumours about me, and still kept trying to come back into my life (and always with a fake smile and an "I love you" on their faces).  I was really done with all of them, but they would not let go.  After all the mud  that had been thrown at me, they still had the nerve to try and come back into my life one last time.  And yes, you guessed it, with bad and selfish intentions.  My sister Jane was furious how two of these "friends" had done me dirt, and then came back into my life, not only to do me dirt again, but to steal from me.  You see, two of these "friends", "M" and "L", had addiction problems that I had no idea about.  They appeared out of nowhere one day after I had not seen them in a long time.  I had been in love with both of them at one point, and so had a soft spot for them,  but that is not the main point of this post.  It is about the self-entitled and unbelievable nerve of some individuals who "do as I say, not as I do", or better "do as I want, but you better not do it to me".  They came to "visit" me, in my apartment, where I was also living with my brother Jimmy.  I was OK with it, but not really happy to see them, not expecting that they were really only looking for money and whatever else they could steal for drugs.  I had already moved on, and didn't want what they had to offer anymore.  I don't think that any one of them know what a real friend is. They stole money from me not once or twice, but three times before I caught on to what was really happening.  I did not want to believe, that they would come back in to my life, after all the bad they did to me,, just to steal from me.  They also stole from my family as well.  Jimmy and I always kept extra cash in our apartment, and we trusted each other without doubt, never realizing that someone else would steal from us, as we were both struggling to survive at the time. Our Mother had also left behind some of her jewelry that our Father had given to her when they first met. I never thought that anyone would steal that too.
    They can not tell my brother Jimmy that they are sorry for stealing money from him, because he has passed away, but I told my brother the low down truth, so he knew what they had done to us.  They can not tell my Mother that they are sorry that they stole her engagement ring of topaz and gold that my father gave to her, or the other gold bracelets and sapphire ring that they also stole for drugs and whatever, because she passed away too. It hurt so bad at the time, because I really loved "M" and her whole family, but I realize now that she had severe addiction problems and could not help herself. . Still, I am sure that they sit there heads high in total denial of the wrongs that they did, especially so "L".  I have forgiven them, but it has not been easy, because what they did to me put me into such a dark tailspin, that it took me several years to come out of it.   They really damaged my belief and trust in people at that time. This painful experience with them, set me off on a short period of bad mistakes and  horrible choices.  Luckily, I am very resilient and have always had an incredible amount of high hopes in my heart and soul.  Jane was furious about what happened, but we never discussed it again, what is done is done.  You can not change it , just try to forgive and move on to a higher level in life.  Thank you for reading my post today.  Love and Light to you.

JANE'S ADIRONDACK KEEPSAKES.......

               

 

 

                    My sister Jane really treasured all of the mementos and keepsakes that she was able to hold on to, from our Mother's family in the Adirondacks.  She displayed them all over her home with love and pride.  I tried to keep as many as I possibly could, because I know that Jane would want it that way. I basically cleaned up and closed Jane's home alone after she passed away on January 25th of this year.  It was during all of the snowstorms and blizzards that we experienced, which only made commuting so much more difficult. Several of my close friends and co-workers offered to help, but I just did not want anyone else going through my sisters personal things. You can imagine that her home was in severe disarray after her illness left her incapable of doing even simple things for many months before we lost her. .....  Jane, I am so sorry for what you went through, it still hurts so bad to think about it.  I did what I could, that's all I can remember to comfort me over your loss.......
                   I kept all of the Adirondack quilts that our great-grandmother and her sisters used to make.  Her sisters names were Belle-Marie, Florence, Maude, and Maigret.  Their cousin and dear friend Merle, used to help make the quilts too. All of the quilts must be over 70 years old.  I have also included some of the Adirondack glass-ware that Jane loved so much.  The rose quartz cocktail glasses are at least 100 years old, they were a wedding gift of our great-grandmother Lilaeus.  The blue vase was a gift from our Mother Lois to her grandmother Lilaeus when she was only 15 years old.  We always used it exclusively for Lilacs, during the short season that they are in bloom.  The small blue sugar and creamer are also from our great-grandmother, and so are at least 60 years old. The plate that is hanging behind the glass-ware in the pictures, was our great-grandmothers favorite pie plate, and her pies and cakes were legendary.  I have also included Jane's favorite picture of our summer cottage in the Adirondacks.  Jane had it enlarged and framed. They were hard-working, humble and wonderful people.  They were all farmers and woodsman.  Everything was home-made with love and care.  I am keeping all of their personal things in honour of their memory and for my beautiful sister Jane.

 


                            Above are the two different patterns of quilts that they seemed to use the most.  I remember them as a very young boy "up the lake".  I am very proud of my Mother's family, the "Adirondackers", and I am very grateful that my sister Jane took such good and loving care of all of these mementos.

              
                     I had never really looked to closely at the quilt patterns before, I was too busy fishing, hiking and bird-watching.  The pattern below really caught my eye, it is of dandelion flower and seed heads!  If you look up close,  you can many unusual and interesting patterns in the quilts.

             
                    

                   Jane framed this picture below of the cottage in the Adirondacks too.  I still remember the day that I took this picture, I must have been only about 17 years old at the time.  It is still one of my favorites. 

             
                                 Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and Light to you.

I'M A TRAVELING MAN......

                               It was raining last night, so although I had an invitation to got to a CD launch party, I decided to stay home.  I started to organize my small library of books, and began finding these countless ticket stubs stuck in books, coat and suit pockets etc.  They are remnants of my time commuting to care for my dear sister Jane, who was living in Bayonne.  Sometimes I felt like I should have gone more (we all do after we lose a loved one), but after finding over 70 ticket stubs all around my home, I realized that I had definitley "gone the distance" for my lovely sister Jane......and I would do it a hundred times again if I could. I can not bring myself to throw these tickets away right now, although I know that I should. I am so glad that I did what I did for my sister.  What a feeling of peace it is, knowing that you did all that you could for the ones that you love, and that you made that peace with them and comforted them with only affection and kindness in their final days.

                            Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and light to you.

FORT MYERS BEACH FLA.......

                          I found some pictures of Fort Myers Beach Florida, and had an incredible series of flashbacks.  It is amazing how we humans can forget about significant moments in our lives as we trod along.  I completely forgot about the time that our brother Jimmy and I were sent to Fort Myers Florida, so that Jane did not have to make the two day car trip back up north alone.  Jane had been living there with her best friend Ginny.  I do not believe that Jane wanted to come back, and maybe if she had stayed there with Ginny, her life would have turned out better.  Ginny was beautiful, warm and very down to earth.  I had known her since I was a kid through Jane. The song "Miracles" by Jefferson Starship, always reminds me of Ginny. It was the first time that Jimmy and I ever flew in an airplane and the first time that we had ever been to Florida.  It was all exciting for us.  The two days that we were supposed to stay, turned into at least three weeks!  Ginny was great, she was working full time, but we still spent alot of the days together.  They had a beautiful small beach house within walking distance from the ocean and a 24 hour 7-11.  I loved the cherry ice drinks, candy bars and giant sodas, so I would go to the 7-11 several times a day.  We ate pizza, macaroni and cheese and hot dogs every day.  The beach was amazing to me,  as I had never been to a "tropical" place before.  I saw coconut palms, papaya and citrus trees for the first time in my life.  I enjoyed every minute of this journey, and it was also the first time that I was ever so far away from home.   I was also amazed at the  brown pelicans and many other types of birds that I had never seen before too.  We went to a drive in one night to watch horror movies, and it was eerie as the drive-in was surrounded by a mangrove swamp.  I don't remember what films we saw,  but I remember the sights and sounds of that night.  I remember getting out of the little red Toyota to get soda and some snacks.  The area was muddy and misty, and you could hear the soundtrack echoing in the background.  The sounds coming from the swamp were loud too, very haunting.
         Jane and Ginny were both exceptionally beautiful, and quite a sight in their bikinis. I can still remember how wonderful it was to wake up in that little beach house, and then go for a swim in the warm clear ocean.  There was always music playing in the beach house, mostly Jefferson Airplane, Montrose, Bowie, Cat and Joni.  We had a great time in Fort Myers Beach, Jane and Ginny had made many friends down there,  and they took us to Sanibel Island twice, where the water and the beach were incredibly beautiful. The beach was empty and we had it all to ourselves.  Jimmy and I  also  attempted to drive across Alligator alley one day when we were alone, and we did see plenty of alligators (for the first time), herons, egrets, spoonbills, wood storks, lizards and everything else imaginable in the Everglades.  We almost made it to the east coast, but turned around as we didn't want to drive the alley by night.  We did not want to leave Florida,  but our mother insisted we come back after 3 weeks.  It must have been very hard for Ginny to see Jane go, and I know that Jane did not want to leave. They had such a peaceful and mellow existence there,  they really were like two sisters, and true kindred spirits.
         The drive back was an adventure. We took 75 north through west central Florida to Atlanta, then up through Tennessee to route 81.  We saw the real Deep, Deep South.  Huge white mansions surrounded by enormous evergreen magnolia trees and live oaks draped in Spanish moss (which I saw for the first time too).  I had always been a huge nature lover, and I would often spend hours up in the forest and power lines around our home, bird-watching, rock collecting, identifying plants and whatever else imaginable to do with nature.  I made Jane stop at a "stuckys" (?) store, as there were huge amounts of Spanish moss hanging from some low trees behind it.  I collected several handfuls of the Spanish moss, and put them into a plastic bag with some water. ( I attempted to grow them back upstate after we got home.  I put them on a wooden clothes hanger in a white pine in our backyard, but they only lived until the autumn).  The drive back also saw many run down shacks, cotton and tobacco fields and  often miles and miles of nothing.  We finally approached Highway 81 in Tennessee, but at the last minute we decided to take the Blue Ridge Parkway instead, as Jane had driven it before and said that it was beautiful.  It was truly magnificent.  We arrived on it at night with a full moon, and the clouds actually "rested" on the highway.  We got out of the car to try and touch the clouds, as there were many small wisps of the white vapor scattered all over the roadside. We could not all sleep in the little red Toyota, so we spent the night in a tiny motel in Roanoke Virginia.  The next day we had grits and eggs and continued on our trip. We drank endless bottles of diet Pepsi and mountain dew, and ate lots of potato chips and candy on that trip, which is probably why we had almost no money left by the time we arrived home.  I will always remember that time with Jane, Jimmy and Ginny with very special and fond memories.  Its hard to believe that Jane and Jimmy are both gone now,  it is very very sad.  I am so happy that Ginny is still here,  looking lovely and has a good life.  I know that Jane loved her very much, and so did we.  Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and light to you.

HOME MADE DECOR......

                                

These are just a few of the amazing things that my sister Jane created for her home.  Jane took a giant piece of driftwood from the Adirondacks , treated it and made it into a wall centerpiece to great effect. Below is one of the old hutches that Jane acquired. The hutch was from the 1950's and rusted.  Jane took it, sanded it, polished it and painted it a beautiful color combination of powder blue, cream and very light yellow. Jane did this with many antiques, and they always turned out looking brand new, and yet retro at the same time.  I wish that I had taken more photos of Jane's home decorating, but I guess I'm lucky that I took the few that I did.  Jane could have been a wonderful interior designer, ( she was one,  in her own home).  Jane had amassed a huge collection of valuable antiques over the years in Bayonne, and she had a sharp eye for what was worth keeping or not.  I have kept many of them, in her memory.  Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and Light to you

JANE......MOTHERS DAY.....

                              Mothers day must have been a very hard day for my sister Jane. I have already written about the many reasons why it would be such a sad day for Jane in this tribute to my sister, and I will not be repeating them.  I must however state that it was also a very diificult day for my sister because of our history with our Mother, who had "wronged" Jane in many ways.  I only want to celebrate my sister Jane today.  Jane was also often Jimmy and my "real" mother.  Jane would always cook for us, and even come to our apartment and clean it for us.  When Jane was stuck in her horrible marriage in a house with no heating oil or hot water,  our brother Jimmy would go over with oil that he bought with our last dime to give to Jane, so that she and her children wouldn't freeze in their house.  But certain individuals forget about that.  I don't, but Jimmy and I would do anything to help our sister if we could.  When Jane finally had to get a kerosene heater, we would always fill it for them, so they could survive the harsh winters there.  Jane went through hell to keep her children together and healthy.  She did an incredible job, despite the unending abuse and neglect that she endured.  Certain individuals forget that, (oh I mean flat out deny it),  but I don't.  Jane was always loving and affectionate to me,  like a mother,  and I am still very grateful for that.  Our Mother was often "missing" and "unavailable" as I stated before.  She was always off in her own world, deep in an unbelievable state of denial and codependent addiction with her alcoholic "companion" Bob, and "not there" for us.  I know that as a solid fact, from our history together and from all of our endless and intense conversations that we had, especially over the last 6 months of my sister's short life, in the hospital and at Jane's home.  Some people would criticize me harshly for my comments about our parents, but the truth always comes out, and I am not about to hide or keep anybody else's dirt or secrets anymore. I will be discussing our "father" in a post soon.  It needs to be said...... for me,  but most importantly for my sister Jane.  Happy Mothers Day to my beautiful sister-mother Jane, I will not forget you.  I miss you and love you very much. I know that Jane would want her story to be told, not only as the way that I saw it, but also the way that we both lived it.  Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and Light to you

DEAR JANE......MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WITHOUT YOU......

                       
                     Dear Jane......I have received so many birthday cards and unexpected gifts this week, but they just can not take the place of the sorrow that I feel in my heart over losing you,  my beautiful sister.  I still feel all the pain and anguish that I saw you go through in the last year.  Today is my first birthday without you, and it is an overwhelmingly sad day, despite all the love that I have received from my wonderful friends.  I woke up today to a barrage of text's and voice mails, but I won't be getting the one that I want from you.  I also received many cards in the mail, but I won't be getting the usual birthday card with songbirds that you would  always send me with great affection.  I am glad that I saved all of those cards that you sent me over the years, they mean the world to me.   It is a beautiful day Jane, but it's just not the same,  knowing that you are not here anymore.  I remember you every day Jane,  everyday.  This tribute for you has also been very helpful to me, reconnecting with many people that still loved you very much.  I want them to see your smile, read your story and  to keep you in their thoughts.  You are gone,  but never forgotten Jane.  Tonight I will celebrate my birthday in Manhattan, but we will also be celebrating your memory Jane,  the memory of my beautiful sister.  Time will not diminish my love  for you Jane,  never.  I will continue to write to you, and for you,  in this tribute.   ......Love always....your brother Michael
             

IN JANE'S OWN HAND WRITING.........

                    This list made by my sister Jane is shocking to me.  Shocking because I found it in a note pad that Jane gave to me around Christmas of  2008. I had visited Jane and her youngest son after New Years that year.  I asked Jane for some extra paper to do some writing on the train back home.  Jane then gave me a small note book that was almost empty.  It had maybe 12 blank sheets of paper, and a few that had some writing on them.  I didn't think twice about reading them , they appeared to be only "to-do" and grocery lists, and some scribbling.  It wasn't until this week that I put all of Jane's writings, cards and letters into one large chest drawer that I noticed this one page in particular.  It was a list giving almost everything of value to Jane to me.  It was shocking because Jane was not ill yet.  I don't understand why she would do this so far back.  It only confirms my belief that Jane knew of her terminal cancer diagnosis at least one and a half years before she told her youngest son and I.  Like I said before....how unselfish and brave for my beautiful sister to keep this devastating secret to herself to protect us. Maybe Jane believed that she could "beat" the cancer, and then tell us.  It makes me so sad though, I felt something was "not right" for awhile, but couldn't put my finger on just what was wrong.  I'm so glad that I have kept all of Jane's writings, they tell a story of a gentle spirit trying to survive intense hardships and dissapointment.  I want the world to know what a beautiful, kind and wonderful young woman that my sister Jane was.  I have kept as many of Jane's loved things on this list above that I possibly could.  Thank you for your time today.  Love and Light to you.

DEAR JANE..... DESPITE MY OWN MANY FLAWS......

MISTAKES,  I'VE MADE MORE THAN A FEW......

            I know......I know......who do I think I am writing all of  this, after the huge mistakes that I have made in my life?  Some mistakes that I can never fix, and that I am very ashamed of.  I need alot of forgiveness in my life too.  All I can say is that despite all of my many mistakes and  my many personal flaws, I do not physically or verbally abuse the people in my life, and I  have never abandoned anyone in my family or a friend in their time of need.  I believe that I have learned from my mistakes and that I have not recreated them.  I attend alanon and church to better understand the hand of cards that I was dealt in life, and how to move on and grow as an individual, and that does not include abuse,violence, hypocrisy or falseness, which is what my sister Jane married into.  Thank you for sharing today.  Love and light to you

NO GRATITUDE WAS EVER SHOWN.....

                      Dear Jane......It's hard to believe that your youngest son and I were shown no gratitude in our care for you, from the very individuals who really should have been responsible for you in your final months and days. In fact he was physically assaulted when he dared to question "someone" as to why they abandoned you Jane. The nerve of someone to attack the one who helped you and stood beside you through all of your pain and anguish.  How disgusting and low. The physical and verbal degradation never ends with these individuals.

     Make no mistake, and it is a solid fact......that it was Jane's two other children's ( both well over 30 years of age) responsibility to take care of you, when you became terminally ill, and in your heartbreaking final days, that I tried to help you through...and they both did nothing for you, nothing. They were supposed to take care of you the same way that you and I took care of our Mother, regardless of any past issues and resentment.  They are selfish and cold individuals.  I know that you wouldn't want me to print this Jane, but this is how and why things ended up the way they did.

    They can both thank me now for taking care of their Mother when she had no electric, no phone and no food.  I was with you on your last birthday, your last Christmas eve, your last New Years Eve, and your last hospital stay.  It doesn't matter what mistakes you made in your life Jane, you were their Mother, and you did not deserve this inhumane abandonment. They are nothing but cheap soul-less individuals, cheap in every sense and form of the word.  I know that in their self entitled arrogance and narcissism they don't give a damn.  I just want the whole universe to know it. They did nothing for you or your youngest son and waited for you to die, then held their travesty of a service, where the very "man" who used to beat you and abuse you read from the bible.  How lower can the degradation and falseness get?  How could you do this to your own Mother?  I can be at peace now knowing that you are free now Jane,  no more tears and pain,  no more wanting in vain,  and you are safe from the horrible and  degrading life of physical and verbal abuse, hypocrisy, blatant lies and cheap violence that these individuals lead.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.

                          I found this hospital pass among many others in one of my suits that I wear to work, as I was taking it to the dry cleaners.  I have found dozens and dozens of hospital passes from the three hospitals that Jane was in.  I also found countless train tickets.  I  felt proud that I had done everything that I could for my sister and for "their" Mother.   

JANE'S FLOWERS ARE BLOSSOMING.....

                   Today is a brand new day, and another chance to change and grow.  Jane's flower seeds that I planted in my window in February, are now on my back deck and are in full bloom.  They look beautiful today.  The weather is sunny and the sky is luminous blue. I'm just in a deep sadness that Jane is not here to see them.  The last year of events is still always playing in the back of my mind like a film, and many of the flashbacks are incredibly painful.  But I remember many of the calm moments of warm talks and just sitting together, and those are the moments that I would like to recall on this beautiful day right now.  I believe that is what my sister Jane would want for me too.  I pity those who abandon their own today, they miss out out on a treasured experience in life, sharing your true love, forgiveness and compassion for another who is leaving this world.  I was with our Mother Lois the day she passed on, and a wonderful woman pastor, told me how fortunate that I was, to be there with our Mother in her final moments. I did not leave our Mothers side from the moment we put her into the ambulance (I rode in the back with her), and then helped bring our Mother up to the hospice room where I remained with her for the final seven hours of our Mother's life.  I would have been devastated if our Mother had died alone, without me there. At the time that it happened, I never thought that I would feel true happiness again.  no words or comfort helped me at the moment. I now realize that we all go, and all we take with us is the love that we gave and received.  I now feel eternally grateful that I was there for our Mother. Our Mother did not die alone, she was unconscious, but she knew that I was there, kissing her forehead, holding her hand and doing whatever I could to help her.  Yes, I truly pity those who abandon their own, you are nothing but spiritual cowards.  No excuses in this universe are acceptable.  Thank you for reading my post today, and remembering my beautiful sister Jane.  Love and Light to you.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD......GO I

          Jane......Dear Jane.  I know so many people wonder how all of this happened to you.  I know so many women  (and even some men) who are married and secure, have never worked a day in their life, and have it very easy. They stay home until their married and never go out in the real world on their own. They are always nurtured and provided for and never go without. I don't think that these individuals would have made it for one week, let alone the many years you made it, despite all of the incredible hardships that you faced. 
          If they had been stuck in a disastrous and abusive marriage (hypothetically speaking), made to live in a house with no hot water heater, no heating oil, no car, no hope and no way out,  just what would they have done?  It's so easy to judge and make comments when you don't have to deal with these overwhelming misfortunes.  I am so glad that my sister Jane made it out of that hell, and made a home for herself somewhere else.  I'm also grateful that Jane was so much closer to me, so that we could reunite and spend time together.  Jane had her faith, and it was true and sincere.  Religion is something you find and practice, it is not something that you "buy" and abuse.

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, YOU UNDERSTAND......

   Shame on you,  you cheap hypocrites and fraudulent individuals who live a double-standard way of life. 
Those of you who drink alcohol everyday, (but everyone else is an alcoholic)......
 Those of you who still "party" "recreation-ally" (even though you're middle-aged yet)......
.....And for those of you who take "prescription" drugs every day, (but everyone else is an addict not you, right?)......
 Those of you who have multiple children by multiple different spouses,( born out of adultery,but everyone else is a dead-beat, a slut or "easy" right? )......
Those of you who physically and verbally abuse your own family members, (and then its swept under the rug, or "payed" off right? )......
Those of you who cheat, lie and gossip about everyone else,  and never face the truth about yourself and your pathetic family...... shame on you.
Those of you who betray and abandon your own dying mother over money, addiction, and other issues, that the very same people that you coddle are all guilty of......shame on you. 
Who do you think you're fooling?  The God you claim that you believe in but betray every day?  There is nothing worse in this world of ours than a hypocrite.  So sit back and down another pill with some alcohol, talk trash about everyone else, sit with your "family" (some of them  born in and out of wedlock while still married to others...but... its acceptable behavior for you, just not for anyone else),  talk about your happy memories of  beating and abusing people with your cheap violence and hypocritical holier than thou mouth and have a laugh as you look at yourself in the mirror.  Everyone knows your dirt now.  When you go back to that town, and have the nerve to show your fake faces, you can be sure that everyone there knows the truth about you now too.     Thank you for reading my hypothetical words today.  Love and Light to you.

JANE'S VIEW......

        I never realized until this moment right now, of why I took this photo with my cell camera. This was the last picture that I ever took at Jane's home, on the day that I left there for the final time.  I had spent the week closing the apartment up.  It was a painful  process, and I opened Jane's back door to let some air and light into the room..  I only wanted to remember how it used to be, when this back door was open, and the sun was shining in to Jane's kitchen.  The wooden deck would be decorated with wren (bird) houses, wind chimes, and flowers like impatiens,  four o'clocks and coleus (another one of Jane's absolute favorite plants).  Jane would also always have a pink-poka-dot plant, which I would buy for her every spring.  It's strange how different the same view can look , at one time sunny and alive, and then like this, cold, empty and very sad. This was the reason why I took this photo,  it represented  an end and my sister Jane's passing. This is the view that Jane saw every morning when she woke up,  but now Jane is gone, and so are all the flowers and the warmth and the life that were there.  It was an incredibly heavy hearted and sad moment for me,  to close the  back door on that memory and on that view,  and to leave Jane's home for the last time. 

  

     Thank you for sharing your time today.  Love and Light to you 

                                                                                                                 

JANE'S KINDNESS....

      
                    Here is my sister Jane "singing" with her beloved "baby" Lillaeus.  Jane loved all animals and everything to do with nature.  This was on a visit on a very cold day in February of 2009.  We basically sat huddled by the TV,  drinking coffee and watching "Foreign Affair" with Marlene Dietrich and Jean Arthur.  Jane was definitely Lillaeus's "Mommy", and in return Lillaeus was very protective of Jane.  She is now happy on a small estate in the countryside with two seniors who adore and love her. 
                    I want to talk about my sister Jane's never-ending ability to give kindness and affection even in the face of the cruel disease of cancer.  I'll never forget my last visit to Jane in the hospital in Bayonne.  Jane met me at the elevator, joked with the nurses (who loved Jane), on the way back to her room, and then sat with me, putting on a brave face and a smile for me, even though I knew she was in incredible pain. I'll never forget how Jane never once complained about her colostomy bag, or her 4 hours of intense chemotherapy that she had just been through the day before.  Jane was only concerned about  me, her youngest son and Lillaeus.  I told Jane not to worry,  as I promised that I would go to her apartment,  feed, walk and give her pup a little love, and then make sure that her youngest son was alright.
                    I will never forget that last thing that Jane said to me as she walked me back to the elevator after my visit.  I had stayed 3 hours, and I knew that Jane needed to rest and sleep.  Jane hugged me and said......"Oh Michael, I was meaning to tell you, don't worry about coming everyday,  it's too much for you with your work and long hours back and forth commuting,  and please promise me that you don't stand too close to the platform edge of the trains and subways,  I worry about that......promise me".
                   Can you imagine?  Despite all of the pain and suffering, despite all the mental anguish of the apathy and abandonment that my sister endured,  and she was more worried about the three of us, and not herself.  What a brave and unselfish spirit Jane was,  I am so humbled and honoured by that moment.  I hugged and kissed my sister, and promised to call that evening after I got home to say goodnight, as I knew that she would worry about me getting home safe.  I also promised that I would return in two days with her favorite jello's and orange juice, as Jane would be home the next day.  I called my sister in the hospital the next day, we had several conversations (that's how we were),  including the last call late at night  that lasted over an hour.  It was a warm and loving conversation,  I had no idea that it would be the last time that I would talk to my sister.  Jane passed away that next morning,  and as I said before,  thank God that I made that trip to see Jane on that day,  (despite the fact that Jane told me on that morning of the day of the visit on the phone..."Stay home and rest"......"See you Wednesday").  I am so glad that I followed my inner voice, when it said.... "You have to go",  even though I had just been there the day before.  My beautiful sister Jane will be gone two months tomorrow on March 25th.

                 Jane's kindness and warmth, are the things that everyone should respect and remember.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you......

   

JANES FAVORITE FRAMED BOTANICAL.....

                          This is one of Jane's favorite 'botanicals" that we framed together.  I got the idea while I was visiting Jane at the Jersey City R.C. on July 1rst 2010 (which also was the same day that we lost our mother Lois in 2003).  As I stated before,  I collected them from an overgrown lot by the hospital,  that I found as I walked from the train to visit Jane that hot and sunny day.  At first I picked them to commemorate our Mothers day of passing,  but then it turned into something more important to us both.  I pressed them all into my "writers book", as suggested by Jane, so they would dry out there safely.  We framed this in October 2010,  when Jane was home in between hospital stays.  We both loved it,  because it looks almost like a small Cosmos or Universe from a distance.  I'm sorry for the "fuzzy" quality,  but I scanned the actual framed Queen-Anne's-Lace flower head,  it is not a photograph of it.  We framed dozens of plant samples together,  like Angels-Trumpet, Licorice Mint, various tree leaves, and so on.  I have fond memories of these hours spent together,  it helped relieve the incredible pain and torment that my beautiful sister Jane was going through.  I have them all in my home, they mean the world to me., just like the memories of creating them together with Jane.  Thank you for reading my thoughts today.  Remember Jane.  Love and Light to you.

DEAR JANE......YOU ARE MISSED......

 Dear Jane......

      I really miss my sister Jane today (actually I do everyday),  but even more so on this beautiful spring like morning.  It is true what people say.  When you lose a loved one, especially a parent, sibling or a child, nothing is ever the same again.  The sun doesn't shine as bright,  the stars seem a little less magic,  and even moments of happiness are "over-shadowed" by a deep sadness somewhere in your heart.
      I woke up at 6am for work as usual, went to open my bedroom curtains as usual,  and found a bittersweet surprise.  The viola seeds that Jane had bought,  have started to emerge from the flower tray I planted them in several weeks ago.  I had talked about these seed packets that Jane had bought for the upcoming spring in a previous post.  I saved as many of Jane's personal and favorite things that I could, and I will replant these violas in Jane's two favorite ceramic flower pots that I kept.  I will put them outside on my deck in the sun when the weather is warm enough,  just like my sister Jane would do.
      I found some beautifully framed botanicals of various flowers, leaves and herbs that I collected for Jane.  We dried them in large books,  and then framed them together.  I will show photos of some of them later.  My favorite is of a Queen-Anne's-Lace flower head that almost looks like a mini "cosmos".  I picked this large blossom on July 1, 2010,  to commemorate our Mother Lois's passing.  Jane was in the hospital that week, in the Jersey City R.C.  I visited every other day that week.  I was with our Mother Lois the day she passed.  At first I was devastated at the time, but now I realize how lucky I was, to be with my Mother, and to love her and comfort her in her final ( though unconscious) moments.  But, our Mother knew that I was there, she knew that she was not alone, and I am more proud and more grateful for that than anything else in my life.  I want to add something important to this. Jane and I had many issues and problems with our Mother, who was a free spirit who was often "missing".   Our Mother often wanted things on her terms, and nothing else mattered at times.  Despite all of this,  it never crossed my mind for one minute,  to tell my Mother that I wouldn't help her when she needed me,  not one second .  I was there for her no questions asked,  because I loved my Mother very much.  Am I patting myself on the back for this?.... No way.  I only did what any decent child or sibling would do for their parent, brother or sister.  Not abandon them like an animal, who gets left on the street.    I saw Jane, and talked for hours with her the day before we lost her, and it was all loving and caring.   More importantly Jane was not alone.  Jane a knew that I would be there the next day after work, and she knew that I loved her unconditionally,  as it should be in a family.  I hold on to that,  it helps me in this dark time of loss and grief.  Love and Light to you

 Dear Jane......You are deeply and eternally missed......I love you very much......your brother Michael
     
 

JANE.....PRETTY IN PINK....MORE RECENT PHOTOS......

    
                       This is probably my favorite picture of my sister Jane, taken by me in the most recent years.  She looks great in pink,  and was still feeling well and healthy.  I took this photo in October of 2006 with a flash,  it was daytime, but appears dark.  It was a beautiful day, and we had "hung out" on her wooden deck in the back of her building, just drinking coffee and talking.  Jane had Zinnias and marigolds growing in flower pots all around the deck, and it looked like a country cottage. At the top, above this photo of Jane,  is the back of a letter that I received from her only two days after my visit, typical of my sister, very warm and loving.  I have kept all of Jane's letters and cards, and I was touched to find all of my many cards to her and and her youngest son, saved in boxes, when I cleaned up her home.  I love you Jane.

                        

                        Here is Jane in December of 2008, the last time Jane wanted a large live tree for Christmas.  Jane loved all of the holidays, the cooking,  the decorating and everything that went with them.  Jane would always put coloured Christmas lights all over her home, and would love to sit and look at them.  As I have stated before,  I know now that Jane knew of her terminal cancer diagnosis, at least 1 and a half years, before she told her youngest son and I.   Jane was looking great, but I can tell by this photo that she was already dealing with this tragic and devastating secret on her own.  We decorated the tree that day,  it was a mellow and warm visit,  but something just wasn't the same.  I'm so sorry now that I didn't figure it out on my own, but Jane still looked great and incredibly young for someone well into their fifties, and I believed that she was fine at the time.

        


                        Here is my sister in the late summer of 2009, already one year into her (unknown to us) diagnosis with cancer.  Jane still looked very beautiful for a mother of three and and almost 56 years old,  but now something was really "off" in my mind.  I became worried about Jane's weight loss and frailty,  but Jane insisted that she was fine.  All I could do was follow my inner voice,  and visit much more often, send more cards, and call almost every day, just to say "Hi", "Love you", "Miss you".   That is Jane's loving companion "Lillaeus", named after our great-grandmother.  You can see many of our family's things in the background, and Jane loved and cherished them all, so I have kept them all for her. I have decided for now,  that I will not include photos of Jane from the last 6 months of her all too short life.  Even though Jane wanted me to take the pictures of her at the time, I don't feel "right" about posting them.  It's about respect and dignity.   Thank you for sharing your time today to remember my sister Jane with me.  Light and Love to you.

"YOU CAN NOT BUILD A HOME, WITHOUT A FOUNDATION"

    ......" BUT NOW IT"S GONE,   IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE,   WHEN YOU BUILD YOUR HOUSE,  CALL ME,  CALL "
 
             Living in a house with no hot water heater,  and without heating oil half of the month.  Living in a house with broken windows and doors that don't lock anymore.  Existing in a house with  alcoholism and  many other issues.  Living in a house that you are ashamed of,  and don't know why it is the way it is.  This is not a home.  There is no "building" foundation.  There is no "foundation" to "build" with.  It took a long time, but I broke this cycle in my life.  This cycle unfortunately continued into Jane's marriage,  which became a disastrous time of choleric physical and verbal abuse directed directly at Jane,  and led to a road of an unsecured and uncertain future.
             I must make it clear,  that there was never any violence or physical abuse in our family,  this is what Jane married into.  Although we lived in very poor conditions, my parents were never physically abusive or violent to each other, or to us, ever.  I will make sure that Jane's abuse and suffering will be told,  and will not be swept under the rug.      Thank you for reading this post today.  Love and Light to you

THE SECRETS THAT WE KEEP, TO PROTECT THE ONES WE LOVE

      Yesterday was one month since our Jane passed away, and of course it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up for work in the morning.. I am still going through boxes of Jane's papers, writings, and personals as I write this entry today.  I also now have confirmed my original belief,  that Jane knew about her cancer diagnosis long before she told us of it.  Now I have the medical papers and doctors notes to prove it.  Jane waited until she could not hide it anymore.  Jane was originally diagnosed with terminal cancer in the autumn of 2008, not spring of 2010, as Jane then told us.  Why?  Because Jane wanted to protect her youngest son, myself and others from worrying and panicking over this horrible news.  Jane could not hide it anymore when she had to go in to the hospital to remove a huge mass of cancerous tumors in early spring of 2010.  We were devastated by this.  Still, Jane put up a brave front, and faced 7 major and unbelievably painful operations in a 4 month period.  I remember one night, waiting 6 hours for Jane eo come out of the recovery room.  I slept on two chairs pushed together, next to her all night,  Im so glad I did it now, and more than several nights. Jane never complained even though I could see the pain on her beautiful face.  I now understand how unselfish Jane was to do this,  she was going to deal with this cancer quietly and on her terms, without worrying others.  I am so humbled by her bravery, and ability to still be warm and affectionate, even after having to face this terrible disease.    Jane , I love you,  and I am so sorry that these other individuals, abandoned you in your time of need,  it was inhumane and cruel.  I know now that I did all that I could,  but one person can only do so much,  and  one person can not possibly make up for the place that others were suppossed to take.
     Above you will see some of the dozens and dozens of Jane's cherished religious medallions and papers.  Jane was always spiritual, but reconnected with the Catholic Church (and other religions), through her involvement in A.A. and  upon moving to Bayonne, and befriending many of the clergy there and in Jersey City.  Jane had been involved with the Church there since 2002,  she did not "find" religion after she became ill,  I want to clarify that.  One of the largest crosses here, was made by a priest,  Father Tom, and they were specifically made for cancer patients, sadly he passed away from cancer himself several years ago.  Jane had amassed a huge collection of crosses, medals and other religious pieces.  I have kept all of them for Jane

                                   Thank you for reading my words today.  Light and Love to you.

JANE......CORRECTIONS NEED TO BE MADE......

  I was surprised when I read Jane's obituary in the local paper where she had not lived or visited in over 20 years.  As her brother,  I found many mistakes in her obituary.  Jane was not born in Hasbrouck Heights.  Jane's age was also one year off, she had only just turned 47.  Our mother's maiden name was also incorrect.  Jane lived in Bayonne for over 10 years, not "several years" as the obituary stated (several years is two or three years not 10 years). 
  Jane's only final wish and request was to have a small service and sprinkling of her ashes on the lake in the Adirondacks where our family has been for over 280 years.  Jane never told her youngest son or I that she wanted any other service, under any other circumstance... period.    Jane was dishonored in death too.  That "dis-service" that was held,  was a selfish and fraudulent "show" for those who held it,  by those who abandoned her. It was not my sister Jane's wish, want, dream or request.  No one on this Earth knows my sisters final months and days, except the Good Lord and myself,  her brother Michael.    Love and Light to you

WAITING FOR SPRING......AND SECOND CHANCES......

    Today is a beautiful day for this time of the year, but it's a very melancholy day for me.  I found these seed packets among Jane's personal writings and mail, in a box that I had put them all in, as I was rushed to clean up Jane's apartment.  I find these today, as I am sifting through all the papers now.  Violas and Pansies were always one of Jane's favorite kinds of flowers, and no matter where Jane lived, she planted them every spring.  It didn't matter if it was a lake side garden, a window sill or a wooden staircase like Jane had in the back of her home in Bayonne.  These seed packets are dated "packed for spring 2011",  and it makes me so incredibly sad, because it shows that Jane had every intention of being here in the spring to plant them.  My friend Alice was with me,  helping me, and she cried over the poignancy of this find and moment.  I will plant them on my back deck for Jane when spring arrives.  Spring has always been a time for rebirth, and second chances.  Everyone deserves  forgiveness and a second chance in life, but unfortunately not my dear sister Jane.  She was denied those second chances, even in her final days of pain and struggle, by those that she gave life to, loved and trusted.  We (my close friends),  are all so incredibly saddened over this, but I don't want to dwell on this, it will pass with time and love.
      Jane became a great gardener, in the tradition of my Mom-mom's family,  who were all farmers  way up in the boondocks of St Lawrence county.  Jane loved evening primrose, lilacs, impatiens, old fashioned roses, lemon lilies ( like the patch that grew outside of our cottage door on the lake in the Adirondacks), and wild flowers,  like black-eyed-Susan's, Queen-Anne's-lace, violets and daises.  Jane loved to grow many kinds of culinary herbs like thyme ( thyme was our grandmother from Denmark's favorite cooking herb), rosemary, many kinds of mint, sage and so on.  Jane was also a great cook as I have stated before.  I loved her seafood lasagna and "frikadelles".
        I really miss my sister Jane today.  No matter what happened over the years, we were always back together again, and reunited.  We often talked on the phone every day, even if just a quick hello, or a message, no matter where I lived, Germany, Toronto or Boston.  I miss those calls, and I miss her beautiful and warm smile.  I have joined a small grievance group, connected to the Church I attend, and it helps immensely.  I urge any one out there in my position to do the same, you deserve it, You can only heal, learn and grow as a human being, and helping others helps yourself.  I am just really in a deep sadness over Jane's death,  and the tragic last 8 months of her life, and so disappointed in those who abandoned her.  It hurts so bad to recall Jane's crying over these issues (especially when she was so ill in her hospital bed).  We all deserve another chance in life,  I am devastated that my sister Jane did not get those second chances.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you

JANE'S SUMMERS IN THE ADIRONDACKS AND CHILDHOOD DREAMS

  It was the first place that we heard a whip-poor-will.  It was the first place that we caught a fish.  It was where we learned how to swim, canoe, build a pot belly stove fire and hike in the forest.  It was the summer cottage of our Mom-Mom's family in the Adirondack mountains.  Jane loved to go "up the lake", as we all did.  Everyday was an adventure, from the scented giant waterlily's in Huckelberry Cove,  to the picnics on the Gemini Islands past Spruce point.  There was always magic in the air.  Jane was a "girly-girl, she loved the color pink,   and she loved to polish her nails a dozen different colors, as she sat on a lounge chair reading magazines on our little white beach.  Jane also loved to cook home made (hand picked) berry pies, waffles and pancakes, but......Jane could and would bait a hook and take the fish off of it, climb trees, and explore the caves nearby for quartz's (some of which I still have).  The old cottage had been in  our family for over 90 years, and was beautiful and quaint.  We had a wood burning stove in the kitchen,  and a pot belly stove in the main room.  We also had to "rough it" when we were there, as we had to use an out-house and a water pump, that was way down the path by our cousin Merle's cottage.  The cabin was filled with memento's of our family, books, records, antiques and many hand made goods, as our family were true Adirondackers and crafters.  We were all very proud of this, and I still have many of my great grandparents (and their ancestors) personal things.  We all had huge collections of comic books,  which grew over the many summers spent on the lake, my favorites were "Hot Stuff" the little Devil and "Casper", Jane's favorites were "Archie" and "Betty and Veronica". The Adirondack cottage had white pine paneled walls, huge goose down filled comforters (home-made),  and the cabin smelled of moth balls and cedar wood which we loved.  There was a Yellow shafted Flicker (woodpecker), that would hammer every day on the metal covering of a pole by the cottage, as well as tree swallows and purple martins that nested in all the many bird houses that I built.  Jane loved to look at the evening primrose and hollyhocks that our Uncle Hank and Aunt Minnie, grew along the path of their cottage next door.  Jane would often help Aunt Minnie take care of her many gardens too.  Years later, Jane would paint her kitchen in Bayonne the same color scheme as The Grime's cottage on the lake, yellow with red trim.
   It was only because of our Mother's sister, our Aunt B, that we could spend so many summers on the lake, as both of my parents were working, and could not stay with us there.  I spent many summers with my cousins on the lake, and we got along very well.  I don't think that I ever had one argument with them, they were all very intellectual and open-minded young kids.  They we very mellow and kind, and never put me down for my "off-beat" interests, like bird-watching, botany, rock-collecting and deep love of nature.   The forest surrounding the lake was gorgeous,  mostly made up of white pine, birch, hemlock,spruce, oak and maple.  We hand fed chipmunks and red squirrels, and our attic was often invaded by nocturnal flying squirrels and bats.  It was a real wilderness area, as we were surrounded by the Adirondack state park.  We heard and saw rose breasted grosbeaks, cedar waxwings, scarlet tanagers and colorful warblers all day .  Barn swallows built mud nests on the boat house ledges and eaves,  and  winter wrens nested in the old wood pile under the cottage.  We would catch northern pike, pickerel, several kinds of bass, bullheads and perch for dinner.  We picked blueberries, raspberries, blackcaps and chokecherries for pies and snacks.  The lake was clean enough to drink out of, natural, spring fed, and over 500 feet deep in some areas.  We were very lucky to have this time in our lives.   I will always remember that cottage with love, and I will always remember my beautiful sister Jane when I look at these pictures and reminisce about our childhood there.  Thank you for reading my post today.  Light and Love to you.