AUF WIEDERSEHEN LIEBE JANE....

My beautiful sister Jane. A photo that I took of Jane in her final years, backed by the envelope of a letter that my sister sent to me. Notice the "return address" ...... with love

  It was a beautiful and peaceful day on the lake the village and at the cemetery.  I couldn't think of a better way to say "Until we meet again" in the spiritual world.  I had my sisters ashes "reput" into a new urn, made especially in the Adirondacks.  I do not want any connection with those individuals from the past who abandoned her... done.  With white sand from the beach of our old cottage and water from the lake (to water the violas that I planted after),  I put my dear sisters Jane's Urn to rest with serenity and love.  I know that our brother Jimmy would be very grateful to me and proud of my efforts to take care of our sister and completing her final wishes.  It has all come full circle today on the anniversary of our Mother Lois's passing.  I am closing the book on this story now,  but never my love or memory of my beautiful sister Jane.  This is the last post of this "online-novel" that I will be writing for my sister.  Thank you all.
   Much gratitude to my closest friends G and A who brought me here to accomplish this wish today  Love and Light to all of you always. Goodbye......

IN RETROSPECT...WHAT DID I EXPECT,,,?

     Thinking back to Jane's and my experience today, of taking care of our mother Lois for the 3 years that she was ill, it all becomes so clear in these almost surreal moments up here. The same "family" that had abandoned Jane abandoned our Mother Lois too.  I just did not see it at the time, as I was living in day to day survival mode, which we often do when taking care of a dying loved one.  Jane's  two oldest never came once to see our Mother in those three years, despite the fact that they were in the area several times during this period.  How disgraceful, soul-less and spirit-less can one be?  No principles or character at all. Our Mother took care of them 24-7, like I did back in the day, and took them on many trips for the summer for years. What disgusting individuals. I know they were within 30 minutes of our Mother many times during her illness, and never had the decency to show up even once. So.... what was I expecting to be different with Jane?
     To abandon your own dying Mother in the final months of her un-wordable physical and emotional pain and suffering is an unforgivable sin and a real crime, under any circumstance, unforgivable. Thank God, that I do not have to see, deal with or hear anything about them anymore  Schlechte Menschen.  Its just all so clear right now in this moment, as I return with my sister Jane here today, to the wonderland that we both loved so much.  Thank you for reading our words.  Love and Light to you

                              
                        "I miss him",  the guilty hypocrites say..
   Well Jimmy does not miss you.  Good Lord in heaven, if Jimmy only knew how Janes two oldest abandoned her in her illness and death, he would be furious and disgusted by them.  I can still remember how Jimmy and I would put all of our money together and buy kerosene and heating oil for them, because "this individual" couldn't take care of them properly or wouldn't.  Jimmy grew to hate "this individual" towards the end of his life.  I'll never forget one of many times during those 4 or 5 winters that they lived in poverty, that "this individual" came outside, saw Jimmy and I in our work clothes, putting fuel from a heavy container into their tank, and did not even offer to help us put the oil into the pipes on the side of the house ... ungrateful to the end.  They would have had no heat without Jimmy and I.
   Jimmy detested him.. and I mean it.  I should know... I took care of Jimmy in his final years and months with our Mother Lois, alone.

GREETINGS FROM THE GREAT LAKES......

Thank you all for following my sister Jane's site.  I am on a boat trip of the Great Lakes until September , and it is amazing. Everything here reminds me of my beautiful sister Jane. It looks and feels just like the times of our childhood summers spent on the lake in the Adirondacks (which are very close by).  I go swimming whenever I want, fishing, bird-watching....yes,,,,serious birdwatching....lol....get over it!, identifying and collecting native flora samples, and  indulging in one of my favorite past-times day-dreaming....lol....  I have seen Purple Martins and Tree Swallows for the first time in years.... just beautiful  The spruce and hemlock trees, ferns and moss around the lake are breathtaking to hike through,  not too mention the bon-fires on the beach at night, with the moon and a million stars.  I know now that I was always meant to live in the north country, in the pine and birch forests on a lake, whether its Sweden, Quebec or the Adirondacks, that is where my heart and soul have always been, and always will be ....forever.  I know that my sister Jane loved it up here too, and I will be back to Jane's site soon.  Love and Light to you.

DEAR MOM......NINE YEARS AGO TODAY......

Janes brother Michael at about 19 years old reflecting and meditating in the magic of nature, as he always has.  Photo taken of Janes caretaker and brother Michael on the "Point", up at the lake in the Adirondacks where their family had a cottage for over 90 years.

    I just want to acknowledge the passing of our Mother Lois, 9 years ago today. I miss her and my sister Jane every day.  I am still very grateful to the Lord, that I was with our Mother the last night and day of her life, and that I was by her side when our Mother left this world. I feel pity for those who did not take care of their Mother or family member in their time of need.  How fortunate I was to be with our Mother, and comfort her the day we lost her, and how fortunate our Mother and I were to have Jane there to take care of our Mother so well, that way that my sister did.  I could never live with myself if I had not been there.  Thank you for reading our words today.  Love and Light to you.

GONE.....BUT NOT FORGOTTEN......

I took this photo of our families cottage from our rowboat, when I was about 14 years old.  Our cottage was the cobalt blue one above.  You can barely make out the people on the small beach, but they are my sister Jane, our brother Jimmy and our Mom Lois.  They may all be gone, but they are never forgotten, by me.  You can see the yellow and red trimmed cottage and boathouse to the right above.  This was our Uncle Hank and Aunt Minnies , and it was the inspiration for my sister Jane to paint her kitchen in Bayonne the same yellow with red trim.

"......It was way past Midnight......and She still could"nt fall asleep......This Night the Dream was leaving......She tried so hard to keep......and with the new Day Dawning......She felt it drifting away......" 

  The month of July is a month of many painful dates for me, not only the passing of our Mother Lois, but also the births and deaths of both of our brothers Joseph and Jimmy..

   I still remember the day back in October of 2008, when I brought my sister Jane yet another CD that I burned for her.  This CD was a compilation of songs from the summer of 1986, when I was living outside of the USA.  I can still see the look on Jane's beautiful face turn sad, when the song from above started to play.  Jane looked over at me and said softly......"This song reminds me of Jimmy".   Well, it reminded me of many things...... my life and loves abroad, our brother Jimmy, but now most of all, it reminds me of my sister Jane.  Thank you for reading our words today.  Love and Light to you.

"MISSING".... ONE YEAR LATER....

       Today I am feeling Jane's death with the force of an earthquake.  I am devastated over losing my beautiful sister, and the horrible circumstances of her final months and days.  I am not going to "go on" about them anymore, as I have already discussed these things in detail.  The realization of everything that happened, and the overwhelming sadness that I feel about my sister are just too much to bear at times.  I have not slept well or normally in many months, because of all the suffering and neglect that I witnessed.  It will take a miracle to be able to move on from all of this.  I am also working non-stop in my career, as well as venturing into other areas of writing and publishing with some real viable success, but it just does not take my heart or mind off of Jane and the last year that we experienced together. I gladly do alot of volunteer work for the elderly and the terminally ill, I'm in the gym 4 days a week, and I have many interests and hobby's, but they just do not really help at all in easing the heart-break that I feel over losing my sister.  My friends, Alanon and church help, but this is an incredibly trying time in my life.  I miss Jane very much, and I am still inconsolable over her tragic story and death.  I know that I have posted many of the same pictures of Jane, but that is because they are my favorite photos of her, and I want everyone to keep seeing her warm smile and compassionate eyes.  Thank you for reading our post today.  Love and Light to you.

         You may notice that this is the same post that I did on June 6th of 2011, and I find it very appropriate to convey my true feelings over my sister Jane and her story, one year later.

"GOOD-BYE MELINDA"....

     The 1970's TV movie "Sunshine" always reminds me of Melinda, because she told me many times over our years together, that it was one of her favorite films.  It always reminds me of my sister Jane too, who passed away from cancer last winter.  The film was about a young mother, who discovers that she is terminally ill with cancer, and then procedes to tape messages for her child to listen to later in life.
     I was very sad, to find out that my ex-girlfriend from my hometown had passed away last month.  In a strange coincidence, I searched her name online for the first time ever, and found an obituary for her. I had never looked online  for anyone from from hometown before, as I couldnt wait to get out of there and go out into the real world.  I literally walked away, and never looked back.  I prefer to remember the truly good memories in my life....summers in the Adirondacks, my times with my sister Jane when she lived in Bayonne, and  my lives in Germany, Toronto, and NYC (including my real friends from those times, that I am still with today)....etc..., definitely not from my life in that town. But, I always felt a connection to Melinda, and never forgot her.  I had been thinking about her the last three months, for some unknown reason, and was shocked and saddened to find out that she had died just a few days before, I found her obituary.  My sister Jane and Melinda were both true Sagittarians, and got along very well. They also had many of the same issues and struggles in life.  Many songs remind me of Melinda.  "Taxi" by H.Chapin, "Sundown" by G.L., and almost anything by Janis Joplin.
     I feel so bad for the whole family, but especially so for her Mother, who was always wonderful to me. Melinda's mother was a warm, lovely woman, who along with Mrs Mundy, was one of my favorite ladies from that time.  I had not thought about that town or the people there in many, many years, but now with Melinda's passing, I see it all again. I can still see their home, a very old-style cottage, with a wood-burning stove. They had several large apple trees in the backyard, that I used to climb, and an old-fashioned swing underneath the trees, with a view of a large golden hay-field, the forest, and rolling hills in the background.  It was very beautiful and comforting.  I can see her parents there, working in their vegetable garden, (snapping beans and picking swiss chard ..lol ).  I can still see her sister and brother Melissa and Brian, and their partners at the time Wayne and Pam.  I remember feeding their chickens, and Melinda's horses "Sparkplug" and "Jack", and their lamb "Niffin". 
     My last image of Melinda, is her waiting  for me on her front porch, with a cup of tea and their dogs Tasha and Judy.  She has on her favorite hip hugger blue jeans with colored patches and a t-shirt.  Melinda sees me, and then jumps up and comes out to the driveway with that half-moon smile on her face, offset by her beautiful auburn hair and warm brown eyes, and says "Hello love" with a british accent, as she hops into my car.  I was very much in love with her back then.  All through these long years and thousands of miles, I still felt connected to Melinda and her family. I'll miss her, and hope that she is at peace now.   Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.

MY SISTER/MOTHER JANE......

      It was our Mother Lois's birthday several weeks ago, I miss her very much, so I remembered our Mother with a candle in my church on that day.  My sister Jane was really like a Mother to me too,  in so many ways, all through the years since our childhood together.  Jane would come to my late brother Jimmy's and my apartment with lasagna and other food, that she would make for us, and then proceed to clean our apartment.  It goes much, much deeper than that, on the level of her "mothering-care" towards us, as our real Mother was off in her new life, in another state at the time.
      I'll never forget the concern and "mother-love" that Jane showed me, at the time that I was very ill and bed-bound with "mono".  Jane was 5 months pregnant at the time, so she was not suppossed to be exposed to me, in my condition with this illness.  Still, my sister/mother Jane would come over, and leave crock pots filled with beef stew, or home-made soups for me at our apartment door.  Jane would then come in later, (when I was not so contagious) and she would clean the apartment, and then even take some of our laundry, to do it for us. (Despite that fact that Jane had two children of her own, and a baby on the way).  That is the kind of sister/mother that Jane was to me.  We would  talk almost every day (and often several times a day), during the last ten years of her life, that I was lucky enough to have my sister living closer to me.  I will never forget all the things that Jane did for me, and I remember my beautiful sister every day, that I am still fortunate enough to be on this Earth.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.