DEAR JANE......MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WITHOUT YOU......

                       
                     Dear Jane......I have received so many birthday cards and unexpected gifts this week, but they just can not take the place of the sorrow that I feel in my heart over losing you,  my beautiful sister.  I still feel all the pain and anguish that I saw you go through in the last year.  Today is my first birthday without you, and it is an overwhelmingly sad day, despite all the love that I have received from my wonderful friends.  I woke up today to a barrage of text's and voice mails, but I won't be getting the one that I want from you.  I also received many cards in the mail, but I won't be getting the usual birthday card with songbirds that you would  always send me with great affection.  I am glad that I saved all of those cards that you sent me over the years, they mean the world to me.   It is a beautiful day Jane, but it's just not the same,  knowing that you are not here anymore.  I remember you every day Jane,  everyday.  This tribute for you has also been very helpful to me, reconnecting with many people that still loved you very much.  I want them to see your smile, read your story and  to keep you in their thoughts.  You are gone,  but never forgotten Jane.  Tonight I will celebrate my birthday in Manhattan, but we will also be celebrating your memory Jane,  the memory of my beautiful sister.  Time will not diminish my love  for you Jane,  never.  I will continue to write to you, and for you,  in this tribute.   ......Love always....your brother Michael
             

IN JANE'S OWN HAND WRITING.........

                    This list made by my sister Jane is shocking to me.  Shocking because I found it in a note pad that Jane gave to me around Christmas of  2008. I had visited Jane and her youngest son after New Years that year.  I asked Jane for some extra paper to do some writing on the train back home.  Jane then gave me a small note book that was almost empty.  It had maybe 12 blank sheets of paper, and a few that had some writing on them.  I didn't think twice about reading them , they appeared to be only "to-do" and grocery lists, and some scribbling.  It wasn't until this week that I put all of Jane's writings, cards and letters into one large chest drawer that I noticed this one page in particular.  It was a list giving almost everything of value to Jane to me.  It was shocking because Jane was not ill yet.  I don't understand why she would do this so far back.  It only confirms my belief that Jane knew of her terminal cancer diagnosis at least one and a half years before she told her youngest son and I.  Like I said before....how unselfish and brave for my beautiful sister to keep this devastating secret to herself to protect us. Maybe Jane believed that she could "beat" the cancer, and then tell us.  It makes me so sad though, I felt something was "not right" for awhile, but couldn't put my finger on just what was wrong.  I'm so glad that I have kept all of Jane's writings, they tell a story of a gentle spirit trying to survive intense hardships and dissapointment.  I want the world to know what a beautiful, kind and wonderful young woman that my sister Jane was.  I have kept as many of Jane's loved things on this list above that I possibly could.  Thank you for your time today.  Love and Light to you.

DEAR JANE..... DESPITE MY OWN MANY FLAWS......

MISTAKES,  I'VE MADE MORE THAN A FEW......

            I know......I know......who do I think I am writing all of  this, after the huge mistakes that I have made in my life?  Some mistakes that I can never fix, and that I am very ashamed of.  I need alot of forgiveness in my life too.  All I can say is that despite all of my many mistakes and  my many personal flaws, I do not physically or verbally abuse the people in my life, and I  have never abandoned anyone in my family or a friend in their time of need.  I believe that I have learned from my mistakes and that I have not recreated them.  I attend alanon and church to better understand the hand of cards that I was dealt in life, and how to move on and grow as an individual, and that does not include abuse,violence, hypocrisy or falseness, which is what my sister Jane married into.  Thank you for sharing today.  Love and light to you

NO GRATITUDE WAS EVER SHOWN.....

                      Dear Jane......It's hard to believe that your youngest son and I were shown no gratitude in our care for you, from the very individuals who really should have been responsible for you in your final months and days. In fact he was physically assaulted when he dared to question "someone" as to why they abandoned you Jane. The nerve of someone to attack the one who helped you and stood beside you through all of your pain and anguish.  How disgusting and low. The physical and verbal degradation never ends with these individuals.

     Make no mistake, and it is a solid fact......that it was Jane's two other children's ( both well over 30 years of age) responsibility to take care of you, when you became terminally ill, and in your heartbreaking final days, that I tried to help you through...and they both did nothing for you, nothing. They were supposed to take care of you the same way that you and I took care of our Mother, regardless of any past issues and resentment.  They are selfish and cold individuals.  I know that you wouldn't want me to print this Jane, but this is how and why things ended up the way they did.

    They can both thank me now for taking care of their Mother when she had no electric, no phone and no food.  I was with you on your last birthday, your last Christmas eve, your last New Years Eve, and your last hospital stay.  It doesn't matter what mistakes you made in your life Jane, you were their Mother, and you did not deserve this inhumane abandonment. They are nothing but cheap soul-less individuals, cheap in every sense and form of the word.  I know that in their self entitled arrogance and narcissism they don't give a damn.  I just want the whole universe to know it. They did nothing for you or your youngest son and waited for you to die, then held their travesty of a service, where the very "man" who used to beat you and abuse you read from the bible.  How lower can the degradation and falseness get?  How could you do this to your own Mother?  I can be at peace now knowing that you are free now Jane,  no more tears and pain,  no more wanting in vain,  and you are safe from the horrible and  degrading life of physical and verbal abuse, hypocrisy, blatant lies and cheap violence that these individuals lead.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you.

                          I found this hospital pass among many others in one of my suits that I wear to work, as I was taking it to the dry cleaners.  I have found dozens and dozens of hospital passes from the three hospitals that Jane was in.  I also found countless train tickets.  I  felt proud that I had done everything that I could for my sister and for "their" Mother.   

JANE'S FLOWERS ARE BLOSSOMING.....

                   Today is a brand new day, and another chance to change and grow.  Jane's flower seeds that I planted in my window in February, are now on my back deck and are in full bloom.  They look beautiful today.  The weather is sunny and the sky is luminous blue. I'm just in a deep sadness that Jane is not here to see them.  The last year of events is still always playing in the back of my mind like a film, and many of the flashbacks are incredibly painful.  But I remember many of the calm moments of warm talks and just sitting together, and those are the moments that I would like to recall on this beautiful day right now.  I believe that is what my sister Jane would want for me too.  I pity those who abandon their own today, they miss out out on a treasured experience in life, sharing your true love, forgiveness and compassion for another who is leaving this world.  I was with our Mother Lois the day she passed on, and a wonderful woman pastor, told me how fortunate that I was, to be there with our Mother in her final moments. I did not leave our Mothers side from the moment we put her into the ambulance (I rode in the back with her), and then helped bring our Mother up to the hospice room where I remained with her for the final seven hours of our Mother's life.  I would have been devastated if our Mother had died alone, without me there. At the time that it happened, I never thought that I would feel true happiness again.  no words or comfort helped me at the moment. I now realize that we all go, and all we take with us is the love that we gave and received.  I now feel eternally grateful that I was there for our Mother. Our Mother did not die alone, she was unconscious, but she knew that I was there, kissing her forehead, holding her hand and doing whatever I could to help her.  Yes, I truly pity those who abandon their own, you are nothing but spiritual cowards.  No excuses in this universe are acceptable.  Thank you for reading my post today, and remembering my beautiful sister Jane.  Love and Light to you.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD......GO I

          Jane......Dear Jane.  I know so many people wonder how all of this happened to you.  I know so many women  (and even some men) who are married and secure, have never worked a day in their life, and have it very easy. They stay home until their married and never go out in the real world on their own. They are always nurtured and provided for and never go without. I don't think that these individuals would have made it for one week, let alone the many years you made it, despite all of the incredible hardships that you faced. 
          If they had been stuck in a disastrous and abusive marriage (hypothetically speaking), made to live in a house with no hot water heater, no heating oil, no car, no hope and no way out,  just what would they have done?  It's so easy to judge and make comments when you don't have to deal with these overwhelming misfortunes.  I am so glad that my sister Jane made it out of that hell, and made a home for herself somewhere else.  I'm also grateful that Jane was so much closer to me, so that we could reunite and spend time together.  Jane had her faith, and it was true and sincere.  Religion is something you find and practice, it is not something that you "buy" and abuse.

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, YOU UNDERSTAND......

   Shame on you,  you cheap hypocrites and fraudulent individuals who live a double-standard way of life. 
Those of you who drink alcohol everyday, (but everyone else is an alcoholic)......
 Those of you who still "party" "recreation-ally" (even though you're middle-aged yet)......
.....And for those of you who take "prescription" drugs every day, (but everyone else is an addict not you, right?)......
 Those of you who have multiple children by multiple different spouses,( born out of adultery,but everyone else is a dead-beat, a slut or "easy" right? )......
Those of you who physically and verbally abuse your own family members, (and then its swept under the rug, or "payed" off right? )......
Those of you who cheat, lie and gossip about everyone else,  and never face the truth about yourself and your pathetic family...... shame on you.
Those of you who betray and abandon your own dying mother over money, addiction, and other issues, that the very same people that you coddle are all guilty of......shame on you. 
Who do you think you're fooling?  The God you claim that you believe in but betray every day?  There is nothing worse in this world of ours than a hypocrite.  So sit back and down another pill with some alcohol, talk trash about everyone else, sit with your "family" (some of them  born in and out of wedlock while still married to others...but... its acceptable behavior for you, just not for anyone else),  talk about your happy memories of  beating and abusing people with your cheap violence and hypocritical holier than thou mouth and have a laugh as you look at yourself in the mirror.  Everyone knows your dirt now.  When you go back to that town, and have the nerve to show your fake faces, you can be sure that everyone there knows the truth about you now too.     Thank you for reading my hypothetical words today.  Love and Light to you.