JANE'S VIEW......

        I never realized until this moment right now, of why I took this photo with my cell camera. This was the last picture that I ever took at Jane's home, on the day that I left there for the final time.  I had spent the week closing the apartment up.  It was a painful  process, and I opened Jane's back door to let some air and light into the room..  I only wanted to remember how it used to be, when this back door was open, and the sun was shining in to Jane's kitchen.  The wooden deck would be decorated with wren (bird) houses, wind chimes, and flowers like impatiens,  four o'clocks and coleus (another one of Jane's absolute favorite plants).  Jane would also always have a pink-poka-dot plant, which I would buy for her every spring.  It's strange how different the same view can look , at one time sunny and alive, and then like this, cold, empty and very sad. This was the reason why I took this photo,  it represented  an end and my sister Jane's passing. This is the view that Jane saw every morning when she woke up,  but now Jane is gone, and so are all the flowers and the warmth and the life that were there.  It was an incredibly heavy hearted and sad moment for me,  to close the  back door on that memory and on that view,  and to leave Jane's home for the last time. 

  

     Thank you for sharing your time today.  Love and Light to you 

                                                                                                                 

JANE'S KINDNESS....

      
                    Here is my sister Jane "singing" with her beloved "baby" Lillaeus.  Jane loved all animals and everything to do with nature.  This was on a visit on a very cold day in February of 2009.  We basically sat huddled by the TV,  drinking coffee and watching "Foreign Affair" with Marlene Dietrich and Jean Arthur.  Jane was definitely Lillaeus's "Mommy", and in return Lillaeus was very protective of Jane.  She is now happy on a small estate in the countryside with two seniors who adore and love her. 
                    I want to talk about my sister Jane's never-ending ability to give kindness and affection even in the face of the cruel disease of cancer.  I'll never forget my last visit to Jane in the hospital in Bayonne.  Jane met me at the elevator, joked with the nurses (who loved Jane), on the way back to her room, and then sat with me, putting on a brave face and a smile for me, even though I knew she was in incredible pain. I'll never forget how Jane never once complained about her colostomy bag, or her 4 hours of intense chemotherapy that she had just been through the day before.  Jane was only concerned about  me, her youngest son and Lillaeus.  I told Jane not to worry,  as I promised that I would go to her apartment,  feed, walk and give her pup a little love, and then make sure that her youngest son was alright.
                    I will never forget that last thing that Jane said to me as she walked me back to the elevator after my visit.  I had stayed 3 hours, and I knew that Jane needed to rest and sleep.  Jane hugged me and said......"Oh Michael, I was meaning to tell you, don't worry about coming everyday,  it's too much for you with your work and long hours back and forth commuting,  and please promise me that you don't stand too close to the platform edge of the trains and subways,  I worry about that......promise me".
                   Can you imagine?  Despite all of the pain and suffering, despite all the mental anguish of the apathy and abandonment that my sister endured,  and she was more worried about the three of us, and not herself.  What a brave and unselfish spirit Jane was,  I am so humbled and honoured by that moment.  I hugged and kissed my sister, and promised to call that evening after I got home to say goodnight, as I knew that she would worry about me getting home safe.  I also promised that I would return in two days with her favorite jello's and orange juice, as Jane would be home the next day.  I called my sister in the hospital the next day, we had several conversations (that's how we were),  including the last call late at night  that lasted over an hour.  It was a warm and loving conversation,  I had no idea that it would be the last time that I would talk to my sister.  Jane passed away that next morning,  and as I said before,  thank God that I made that trip to see Jane on that day,  (despite the fact that Jane told me on that morning of the day of the visit on the phone..."Stay home and rest"......"See you Wednesday").  I am so glad that I followed my inner voice, when it said.... "You have to go",  even though I had just been there the day before.  My beautiful sister Jane will be gone two months tomorrow on March 25th.

                 Jane's kindness and warmth, are the things that everyone should respect and remember.  Thank you for reading my words today.  Love and Light to you......

   

JANES FAVORITE FRAMED BOTANICAL.....

                          This is one of Jane's favorite 'botanicals" that we framed together.  I got the idea while I was visiting Jane at the Jersey City R.C. on July 1rst 2010 (which also was the same day that we lost our mother Lois in 2003).  As I stated before,  I collected them from an overgrown lot by the hospital,  that I found as I walked from the train to visit Jane that hot and sunny day.  At first I picked them to commemorate our Mothers day of passing,  but then it turned into something more important to us both.  I pressed them all into my "writers book", as suggested by Jane, so they would dry out there safely.  We framed this in October 2010,  when Jane was home in between hospital stays.  We both loved it,  because it looks almost like a small Cosmos or Universe from a distance.  I'm sorry for the "fuzzy" quality,  but I scanned the actual framed Queen-Anne's-Lace flower head,  it is not a photograph of it.  We framed dozens of plant samples together,  like Angels-Trumpet, Licorice Mint, various tree leaves, and so on.  I have fond memories of these hours spent together,  it helped relieve the incredible pain and torment that my beautiful sister Jane was going through.  I have them all in my home, they mean the world to me., just like the memories of creating them together with Jane.  Thank you for reading my thoughts today.  Remember Jane.  Love and Light to you.

DEAR JANE......YOU ARE MISSED......

 Dear Jane......

      I really miss my sister Jane today (actually I do everyday),  but even more so on this beautiful spring like morning.  It is true what people say.  When you lose a loved one, especially a parent, sibling or a child, nothing is ever the same again.  The sun doesn't shine as bright,  the stars seem a little less magic,  and even moments of happiness are "over-shadowed" by a deep sadness somewhere in your heart.
      I woke up at 6am for work as usual, went to open my bedroom curtains as usual,  and found a bittersweet surprise.  The viola seeds that Jane had bought,  have started to emerge from the flower tray I planted them in several weeks ago.  I had talked about these seed packets that Jane had bought for the upcoming spring in a previous post.  I saved as many of Jane's personal and favorite things that I could, and I will replant these violas in Jane's two favorite ceramic flower pots that I kept.  I will put them outside on my deck in the sun when the weather is warm enough,  just like my sister Jane would do.
      I found some beautifully framed botanicals of various flowers, leaves and herbs that I collected for Jane.  We dried them in large books,  and then framed them together.  I will show photos of some of them later.  My favorite is of a Queen-Anne's-Lace flower head that almost looks like a mini "cosmos".  I picked this large blossom on July 1, 2010,  to commemorate our Mother Lois's passing.  Jane was in the hospital that week, in the Jersey City R.C.  I visited every other day that week.  I was with our Mother Lois the day she passed.  At first I was devastated at the time, but now I realize how lucky I was, to be with my Mother, and to love her and comfort her in her final ( though unconscious) moments.  But, our Mother knew that I was there, she knew that she was not alone, and I am more proud and more grateful for that than anything else in my life.  I want to add something important to this. Jane and I had many issues and problems with our Mother, who was a free spirit who was often "missing".   Our Mother often wanted things on her terms, and nothing else mattered at times.  Despite all of this,  it never crossed my mind for one minute,  to tell my Mother that I wouldn't help her when she needed me,  not one second .  I was there for her no questions asked,  because I loved my Mother very much.  Am I patting myself on the back for this?.... No way.  I only did what any decent child or sibling would do for their parent, brother or sister.  Not abandon them like an animal, who gets left on the street.    I saw Jane, and talked for hours with her the day before we lost her, and it was all loving and caring.   More importantly Jane was not alone.  Jane a knew that I would be there the next day after work, and she knew that I loved her unconditionally,  as it should be in a family.  I hold on to that,  it helps me in this dark time of loss and grief.  Love and Light to you

 Dear Jane......You are deeply and eternally missed......I love you very much......your brother Michael
     
 

JANE.....PRETTY IN PINK....MORE RECENT PHOTOS......

    
                       This is probably my favorite picture of my sister Jane, taken by me in the most recent years.  She looks great in pink,  and was still feeling well and healthy.  I took this photo in October of 2006 with a flash,  it was daytime, but appears dark.  It was a beautiful day, and we had "hung out" on her wooden deck in the back of her building, just drinking coffee and talking.  Jane had Zinnias and marigolds growing in flower pots all around the deck, and it looked like a country cottage. At the top, above this photo of Jane,  is the back of a letter that I received from her only two days after my visit, typical of my sister, very warm and loving.  I have kept all of Jane's letters and cards, and I was touched to find all of my many cards to her and and her youngest son, saved in boxes, when I cleaned up her home.  I love you Jane.

                        

                        Here is Jane in December of 2008, the last time Jane wanted a large live tree for Christmas.  Jane loved all of the holidays, the cooking,  the decorating and everything that went with them.  Jane would always put coloured Christmas lights all over her home, and would love to sit and look at them.  As I have stated before,  I know now that Jane knew of her terminal cancer diagnosis, at least 1 and a half years, before she told her youngest son and I.   Jane was looking great, but I can tell by this photo that she was already dealing with this tragic and devastating secret on her own.  We decorated the tree that day,  it was a mellow and warm visit,  but something just wasn't the same.  I'm so sorry now that I didn't figure it out on my own, but Jane still looked great and incredibly young for someone well into their fifties, and I believed that she was fine at the time.

        


                        Here is my sister in the late summer of 2009, already one year into her (unknown to us) diagnosis with cancer.  Jane still looked very beautiful for a mother of three and and almost 56 years old,  but now something was really "off" in my mind.  I became worried about Jane's weight loss and frailty,  but Jane insisted that she was fine.  All I could do was follow my inner voice,  and visit much more often, send more cards, and call almost every day, just to say "Hi", "Love you", "Miss you".   That is Jane's loving companion "Lillaeus", named after our great-grandmother.  You can see many of our family's things in the background, and Jane loved and cherished them all, so I have kept them all for her. I have decided for now,  that I will not include photos of Jane from the last 6 months of her all too short life.  Even though Jane wanted me to take the pictures of her at the time, I don't feel "right" about posting them.  It's about respect and dignity.   Thank you for sharing your time today to remember my sister Jane with me.  Light and Love to you.